Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

First off, this is the first wedding I ever cried during. No, not because it was romantic or believable, but because I knew that this was the beginning of two hours of my life I’ll never get back. It didn’t help that these characters are so miserable they can barely muster a grin during the wedding that they’ve spent three movies chasing. From the moment the paralyzed guy moved his foot to grab a letter on the floor it was clear this movie was going to be just as bad, if not worse, than the prior films.

The first thirty minutes of this film has absolutely no narrative. It’s a wedding and a honeymoon and frankly feels like it’s ending from the very beginning. Unfortunately, it goes on for another hour and a half after that. Bella gets pregnant and we spend a good portion of the film watching her look like shit while the vampires, who clearly have nothing to do with their undeath at all, dote over her.

There is one really great scene where the werewolves are telepathically talking to each other and it feels like we are watching a terrible deleted scene from Disney’s Lion King. It was quite laughable.

Movies based on video games tend to reek of disaster: think “BloodRayne,” “Alone in the Dark,” “Street Fighter.” We’ve had more luck when it comes to comic-book films such as “The Dark Knight,” “Kick Ass,” and “The Crow.” When a movie is made based on a comic book that has a video game feel to it, we get “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.” Does it go the way of the “BloodRayne” or is it more “Kick Ass”? Thankfully, we get something more like “Ghost World” shoved into a Super Nintendo, then kicked out by the likes of Kick Ass himself.

It’s fun, it’s campy, it’s been under appreciated by modern audiences and ultimately, and it’s destined to become a cult classic. Thanks to the great visuals inspired by old 16-bit games and tunes provided by what sounds like Gameboy nerd fixin’s with a little 1-UP mushroom on the side.

Bitter Balcony has talked smack about Michael Cera before, but “Scott Pilgrim” seems as if it’s written for him. Cera’s comedic timing and delivery are right. He kicks ass like any quarter-spending video game fan would. Cera’s joined by Ellen Wong and Mary Elizabeth Winstead who play rival love interests Knives Chau and Ramona Flowers, respectively.

A review in short letters to the characters and film crew…

Dear Jacob and Edward,

Get over it. Bella is playing you like a fiddle. Why your respective families insist on helping you defend this manipulative little brat is beyond me. She can barely manage a smile and also barely manages to be able to make you both smile.

Jacob, stop wanting to hump her leg. There are plenty other better "mates" to "imprint" on. BTW: what does imprint mean? Are you going to pee on her leg to establish ownership?

Edward, no matter how lame you are, you can still find a better woman for yourself. Also, aren't you 100+ years old? I'm 32 and I find this chick terribly annoying to the point of wanting to watch her enemies devour her. Evolve a bit, buddy. You are letting a teenager manipulate the crap out of you. Sucker! You make love look like painful constipation.

Both of you should stop fighting over this Olive Oyl and fight over someone who is at least interesting. Or hot. Or capable of smiling.