Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

First off, this is the first wedding I ever cried during. No, not because it was romantic or believable, but because I knew that this was the beginning of two hours of my life I’ll never get back. It didn’t help that these characters are so miserable they can barely muster a grin during the wedding that they’ve spent three movies chasing. From the moment the paralyzed guy moved his foot to grab a letter on the floor it was clear this movie was going to be just as bad, if not worse, than the prior films.

The first thirty minutes of this film has absolutely no narrative. It’s a wedding and a honeymoon and frankly feels like it’s ending from the very beginning. Unfortunately, it goes on for another hour and a half after that. Bella gets pregnant and we spend a good portion of the film watching her look like shit while the vampires, who clearly have nothing to do with their undeath at all, dote over her.

There is one really great scene where the werewolves are telepathically talking to each other and it feels like we are watching a terrible deleted scene from Disney’s Lion King. It was quite laughable.

“What Just Happened?” it’s not only the title of the film, but what you’ll be asking yourself when this movie is over. How can a movie with so many talented actors be such a steaming pile?

Ben (Robert Deniro) is a producer dealing with the threat of a decline in his Hollywood clout. He has a movie that tested poorly, a director that doesn’t want to make the changes the moneymen want and a marriage that’s two shakes of a lambs tail from over.

The film wants to show the life of a producer in Hollywood. What we get is a bunch of whiny man-children that don’t deserve the huge paychecks they get. I get that artists can be temperamental, but these adolescent temper tantrums do not provide humor or drama. All they do is beg for someone, Ben not being that character, to slap their collective heads and force some reason into these utterly full of shit people.

Before Courtney Love or even the Go-Gos, there was the late ’70s nymph quintet from L.A called The Runaways, a sexpot jailbait rock concept from music guru Kim Fowley that would lauch the careers of Joan Jett and Lita Ford. The mixture of Jett’s rock and roll arrangements and punk bravado mixed with the libido-propelled presence of the band’s 15-year-old singer Cherie Curie broke the convention that only men could relish the Dionysus perks of music stardom. While The Runaways had a brief, four-year-run, their music and gender-defining stance still puts them in high esteem with XX and XY rockers alike. With such praise and influence, this year’s “The Runaways” seemed like a passionate tribute to the band’s legacy.

A review in short letters to the characters and film crew…

Dear Jacob and Edward,

Get over it. Bella is playing you like a fiddle. Why your respective families insist on helping you defend this manipulative little brat is beyond me. She can barely manage a smile and also barely manages to be able to make you both smile.

Jacob, stop wanting to hump her leg. There are plenty other better "mates" to "imprint" on. BTW: what does imprint mean? Are you going to pee on her leg to establish ownership?

Edward, no matter how lame you are, you can still find a better woman for yourself. Also, aren't you 100+ years old? I'm 32 and I find this chick terribly annoying to the point of wanting to watch her enemies devour her. Evolve a bit, buddy. You are letting a teenager manipulate the crap out of you. Sucker! You make love look like painful constipation.

Both of you should stop fighting over this Olive Oyl and fight over someone who is at least interesting. Or hot. Or capable of smiling.

Leaked Twilight: New Moon trailer? You be the judge!