Real Steel(2011)Sock ‘em Rock ‘em Robots, er, “Real Steel” starts off in the worse possible way. A man pits a giant robot against a bull. For the entertainment of the crowd this robot attempts to beat the crap out of a bull. It was great to think, “Where is PETA?” at the start of a movie we never thought could get any worse than the premise. Bull fighting aside this movie shows us once again that Hugh Jackman really needs to pick and choose a bit more.
“Real Steel” follows Charlie Kenton, a crappy robot fighter and equally crappy father, while he is forced to take care of his son and fight more robots. Thankfully, the fights are robot and robot and don’t sicken us further with animal abuse. Somehow, magically, he finds a robot under mud and filth and it turns him into a pro… unlike a refurbished $50,000 robot couldn’t do.
Instead of going over all that is wrong with this film let us cut it short and say that everyone seems to be trying, but that’s it. When it ended I thanked my lucky stars that I have the fortitude to ingest this much crap and live then I walked away.
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Just like “Star Wars” the camera descends on a planet. Planet San Francisco. The Golden Gate bridge is obviously devoid of jumpers. Why? Well, the movie has just started. Legend says the release of this film sent hundreds flocking toward that bridge just to leap to their doom, but that’ll come later… about 99 minutes later.
The first character on screen is Johnny (Tom Wiseau). He enters Lisa’s apartment with a gift. Lisa is strong like bull and luckily for Johnny is appeased by the gift or she might brrreak him. Denny some young chap likes to “watch” them. He’s the thirty-year-old kid that acts like an 8 year-old. You know, the type you expect to drool on themselves at any moment. Why does this kid show up and try to block Tom’s “rooster”? Beats us. But sure enough Wiseau wants us to be the perverts with two sex scenes in the first 15 minutes and more shortly after that. At one point we could swear that Johnny was humping the middle of Lisa’s chest… Dude, a little lower or a little higher, OK?
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Resident Evil 4 - Afterlife (2010)Un-swallowable crap in your face.
I know this day would come. We all know it. we have all seen a money making cow being milked to beef jerkies before. But when it actually happens I am still feeling strongly about, err, the money and time I lost. Watching "Resident Evil: Afterlife" is so far the most regrettable cinema experience I have had this year; it is so bad that I kept walking out and in pretending to have toilet break, just to avoid having an aneurism outburst.
I had very little expectation to this movie in particular; I was a fan to RE the game as 1,2,3, for its dark atmosphere and hopeless zombie theme. It didn’t really get to extend to the movie that much after the first movie – the movie serious is largely a fancy action flick where this unknown character, Alice, being an experimental product and superhero, jumping around using weapons and then superpower to kill zombies. Around RE3 they try to rub back some in-game characters to attract the game lovers, but ultimately the movie is a monster of its own; you watch pretty chicks, being Milla and others, running and shooting.
That can’t be too bad, right?
