Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

First off, this is the first wedding I ever cried during. No, not because it was romantic or believable, but because I knew that this was the beginning of two hours of my life I’ll never get back. It didn’t help that these characters are so miserable they can barely muster a grin during the wedding that they’ve spent three movies chasing. From the moment the paralyzed guy moved his foot to grab a letter on the floor it was clear this movie was going to be just as bad, if not worse, than the prior films.

The first thirty minutes of this film has absolutely no narrative. It’s a wedding and a honeymoon and frankly feels like it’s ending from the very beginning. Unfortunately, it goes on for another hour and a half after that. Bella gets pregnant and we spend a good portion of the film watching her look like shit while the vampires, who clearly have nothing to do with their undeath at all, dote over her.

There is one really great scene where the werewolves are telepathically talking to each other and it feels like we are watching a terrible deleted scene from Disney’s Lion King. It was quite laughable.

“The Thing” is a prequel to the ‘80s movie by the same title. This time around we get to see what happened to the “Sweeds” as Mack called them, which were really Norwegians, as Dr. Cooper would correct him. Unfortunately, we couldn’t keep this as a subtitled movie and focus on the Nords and their struggle into paranoid social decay. Instead, we are forced to swallow the fact that the Nords, who this author thought were as stranded in solitude as the Americans, would call some lady from the US to investigate what they had found. Are their no Nordic specialists in ancient artifacts/paleontology? Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is that graduate student/specialist in ancient artifacts/paleontologist that is brought on to help investigate the discovery of an alien ship that was discovered in the Antarctic. That’s right, this time there is a woman, NAY two, involved in dealing with the human copying menace.

This year MIFFF made it a habit to replay the trailers for their upcoming features before every block. The first time I saw the trailer for "The Selling" I thought it was going to be a fun campy movie until I saw the end of the trailer that gave me pause and made me think this film might actually know what angles to play to be a good comedy. The next half-dozen times I saw the trailer I found the ending made me laugh just the same as the first time, so once again I thought it might be better than just a campy romp. Sure enough it did and it was. Needless to say "The Selling" sold us right from the start of the film and satisfied through to the closing. Thankfully, there is no mortgage left and we can share the joys of ownership of these memories.

Ass hits the seat, lights go out, trailers finish and another torturous session begins. We start off forced to believe that there was an Autobot ship that crashed into the moon and no one ever thought to mention it in the first or second movie. Furthermore, we are to also believe that Mr. Witwicky has yet another drop dead gorgeous girlfriend. Last I saw, Shai LeBeouf was a nerd at best and in the Transformer’s films he doesn’t even have fame to back it up. Naturally, things start off ridiculous.

The story features yet another threat that could give the Decepticons another edge to defeat the Autobots and take over Earth. Sentinel is brought back from the moon and revived only to betray the Autobots. Somehow the Autobot ship brought with it twenty or so Decepticons and, “Hey, look at that,” no Autobots. The Decepticons bring on the troops and plan on taking over Earth’s resources to rebuild their broken world. The writing is nothing more than a few gallons of dribble to get you from one showpiece to the next.