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GI Joe Re... so lame


G.I. Joe - Resolute

The only thing this Joe cartoon is resolute on doing is sucking as much as the movie likely will.

Here I foolishly thought, "well, the movie is probably going to suck, but at least we’ll get a decent animation out of it AND with the original costumes." Well, I got crap.

The movie starts in a decommissioned Cobra base. This base becomes active, computers with broken screens turn on and launch a large set of missiles that it had just underground – as in the obvious underground not the deep deep underground.

Let me say that again…a DECOMISSIONED base’s computers become ACTIVE and LAUNCH a set of MISSILES. Funny, I could swear there was a subtitle that said decommissioned somewhere in there. Decommissioned. Meaning, make inoperative, dismantle, and take out of service. That seems operative, in service and plenty mantled, er functional, to me. This sets the stage for the fact that nothing picks up the 100 “stratolites” that are flying 20 miles in the air and that the plot will be paper thin.

The animation is well done. The art is in the same style as the recent DC Comics cartoons. However, unlike the ones directed by Lauren Montgomery, this one sucks.

There is no character development whatsoever. There is a tiny shred of Snake Eyes back-story and Storm Shadow being a whiny ass about learning the 7th step. Dude, I saw you take more than seven steps! In all seriousness, there is nothing here in the way of showing you the relationships the Joes have and/or where they come from.

The only part of the story that should have had some impact (regarding the history between Snake Eyes and Storm Whiner) falls so flat my jaw dropped. I mean, this movie is flat, but MAN!

Joaquim Dos Santos the director of this film has taken a page of Michael Bay’s book. If you have enough jumping, dodging, shooting and explosions you must have a good story! Yeah, not sure how to tell you this bud, but that ain’t be what it be like – yo.

One thing that I liked is that Cobra Commander notes that he was an imbecile before, but is going to play the hard ass role now. I’m glad that they pointed this out since they wanted to change his character in such a way.

Snake Eyes gets his fair share of screen time which is a positive, but he gets stabbed in the hand and continues to fight, grab and slice with it like nothing, which is a negative.

The other thing that called my attention, for better or worse, was that they took advantage of every inch they were given. Not in evolving characters, but knocking them off. I won’t spoil it if you foolishly feel like wasting your time. They also don’t crap out on violence. However, with so little content it doesn’t count for much.

The soundtrack and sound effects are not only unimpressive, but very noticeably flat, too.

Destro confused the crap out of me. He looks like M. Bison with a metal head, but sounds like Sean Connery when he speaks. What!?! Zartan is in it, but he’s not punk rock and he goes out like a chump.

Cobra’s aim has also gotten worse. Worse, as in 20 of them shooting at two Joes, which are 15 feet away with no cover and still can’t hit anything. Yay, training!

This movie is almost like watching only the second act of a movie, but it ends… in the flattest way possible.

PS. Hey, look at that! No Delta suits!


On a personal note I should probably mention:

Yes, I am a fan of the original series.

Yes, I still have a whole bunch of the original figures.

Yes, I own the original animated movie and was excited to own it on DVD when it came out.

No, I am not some fanboy that will like a movie because it's based on a certain franchise even though it's really crap.

No, I will not buy into the fact that it was short cartoons stitched together as an excuse for it's quality. You can still tell a story in that format. If they knew (which I'm sure they did) that they were going to release it as one continuous film they should have structured it, so that it works in that format, too.

and finally,

If it was a good film, I would still review it and it would still go up here even though this is Bitter Balcony. We are not above admitting that something is good. In fact, we wish more of the films we watched were.



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Directed by: Joaquim Dos Santos

Written by: Warren Ellis

Cast: Steve Blum, Grey DeLisle

Source of the Bitter: JAS

Comments, rants and other stuffs below
Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 07/27/2009 - 8:19am

The original animated movie from 1987 was complete garbage! Resolute was one million times better than giant snake people in Cobra-La. Finally, no lasers! No parachutes after the plane blows up!

JAS on Mon, 07/27/2009 - 8:44am

The no parachutes part was respectable, as mentioned in the interview.

The original Joe movie had a real narrative though, so in that respect it is a better film in my eyes.

The '87 Joe movie also had Nemesis Enforcer (that cool guy with the bat wings - which doesn't fin in anywhere), but I remember thinking he was a bad ass when I was a kid. :)

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