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Glitter, Or how I survived yet another disaster

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Glitter 2001Cheryl L. WestVondie Curtis-HallMariah Carey,Max Beesley,Da Brat,Terrence Howard,Kate Lanier, Cheryl L. WestKate Lanier Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Glitter(2001)
 

Hello, my name is JAS and I am a glutton for punishment. I know people that love bad movies and I mean some terrible films, but none have seen “Glitter”. Seriously, I have yet to meet one person that has watched this film. People have watched “Gigli,” but none have seen this. So I set off on my journey and see if I can survive…

The film starts off with a fantastic example of solid motherhood as a drunk singer does her thing on stage with her under aged daughter drinking water at the bar. Then she invites her up to sing a little ditty in front of a bunch of drunkards. A few minutes after this I start to realize that the movie is boring me. Then because of lack of stimuli I notice that I am 6 minutes and 41 seconds into the film and there are still credits being displayed. What's better is that every full minute you get one more person that worked on this movie. 7:16, 8:34 and finally ending at the ten minute mark. Why spread it out? Makes no sense, but it was amusing, so I'm thankful for bad choices.

Anyway some crap happens and sister-girl is sent to some kind of orphanage (?) where she meets and makes two lifelong friends within minutes. A leads to B and we are in current day where they are performing together. Who’d-a thunk it? Some producer hires them and sees some amazing vocal talents from who? The Mariah Carey character, Billie, that’s who. GASP, SHOCK, AWE, I know. They use her vocals to cover up some famous singers talentless ass and the fun begins.

Enter Dice, the "Fly DJ" that can walk off the dance floor to bullshit for 10 minutes at a time and still have a job. Wanting to get Billie's vocals out there he walks the dance floor with the mic and lets people freestyle to some shit beat. Naturally, I'm thinking how in the world could anyone every think this movie sucks? I mean, you have a sticky sweet lead that dresses like a goof, bad dialog, poor acting. But there is a scene where Mariah Carey's head explodes into fireworks. Seriously, fireworks!

Dice throws some cheesy disco-esque beat at Billie and she sings up a storm. Naturally, it catches on… you know, because with genius like Dice and Billie who can fail right? I mean the guy gives advice like "loose all this superfluous shit". That has to be genius.

On a side note, do people who make movies never go to real clubs? Clubs never look that elaborate. Also you can't talk in quiet room voice at a club while the music is on. It just doesn't work. I can barely hear shit when people scream out what they are saying. Get a clue filmmakers.

Then tragedy strikes as the shock and horror of studios wanting to make money begins to change Billie's life, kicks her friends out of the video shoot, make her wear a bikini. "Sex sells" has been around for ages and will be for ages more. Anyone trying to get into the entertainment industry has to know this by now. If they don't then someone is in need of a serious reality check.

Billie then has to deal with the friendships that start falling apart as does the search for her mother and her relationship, but its OK because a movie this bad can only end with a happy ending, right? Sure... It seems like the best ending the filmmakers could think of for this one was for Billie to find her drunk mother that had her hang out in bars, burned their house down then abandoned her. Wow. Talk about a tearjerker. I cry thinking about how this shithead will try to siphon money from her and Billie would be dumb enough to fall for it too.

I'm not going to lie. I watched the second third of the movie at 1.5 speed and then discovered that I can watch the last third at double speed and still get dialog that wasn't gibberish. This made the unbearable experience of watching this crap slightly less painful.

Is it the worst movie I’ve seen? No, but only because I’ve seen “The Happening”, Uwe Boll movies and “Gigli”. This film keeps good company with the aforementioned movies though and at moments beats them out.

Trailer:


Pics:
Glitter2001Cheryl L. WestVondie Curtis-HallMariah Carey,Max Beesley,Da Brat,Terrence Howard,Kate Lanier, Cheryl L. WestKate Lanier  Glitter2001Cheryl L. WestVondie Curtis-HallMariah Carey,Max Beesley,Da Brat,Terrence Howard,Kate Lanier, Cheryl L. WestKate Lanier  Glitter2001Cheryl L. WestVondie Curtis-HallMariah Carey,Max Beesley,Da Brat,Terrence Howard,Kate Lanier, Cheryl L. WestKate Lanier 

Credits:
Directed by: Vondie Curtis-Hall
Written by: Cheryl L. West
Based on work(s) by: Kate Lanier
Cast: Mariah Carey, Max Beesley, Da Brat, Terrence Howard, Kate Lanier, Cheryl L. West


Source of the Bitter: JAS

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