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The Human Centipede (First Sequence) |and unfortunately not the last| [USER REVIEW] [User Review]

 
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Human Centipede (2009)

This is a summary of the entire movie in order to save you from the pain of watching it!

[I don't remember how I first came across this movie, nor do I care. Interested in the title, I decided to do a little research and read some reviews which ranged from "this is crap" to "this movie is brilliant!" Because of the wide variety of opinions, I took it upon myself to sit through this "thing" and formulate my own opinion.]

Me Watching "The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (First Attempt)
Yes, it took more than one try to make it though the movie. A mixture of boredom and fatigue set in shortly after the opening credits concluded. The details are vague; lost girls, creepy guy, really creepy guy, girl falls asleep...closing credits. Hmmm, must have dozed off.

Me Watching "The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (Second Attempt)
This time is going to be different. Food? Check. Drink? Check. Enough energy to sit through a movie no matter how much it sucks? Check. Sit back and let me spoil this movie for everyone!

The film starts with the naturally scary looking bad dude, played by Dieter Laser, sitting in his car parked along the side of the road. He appears to be acting somewhat weird as he stares down at a picture in his hand. Is he sad and crying about his dead wife and daughter? Whacking it to a topless shot of a young Claudia Schiffer? Nope, it ends up being an awful Photoshop of three rottweilers joined in a line face to ass. A trucker pulls over near the bad dude to take a dump in the bushes and the bad dude gets out and shoots him with a tranquilizer gun.

Now we jump to a pair of girls that are getting ready to go out for a night on the town in Germany. They are from New York (remember that) and one of them met a cute local guy who wants them to meet him a club. They call for directions, but don't exactly understand how to get there. Next thing you know, the girls are driving somewhere out in the boonies and are (wait for it) lost! It's less than 10 minutes into the movie and my brain has already clicked into "standard horror movie formula" and quickly predicted the rest of the film.

So, the lost girls are driving along, lost in some dark place, and guess what happens? You're right, they get a flat tire! Of course, neither of these girls knows how to change a tire. They're completely helpless, like all movie based female victims. They're sitting in their car, getting all excited, when a pair of headlights appear behind them. Some slobby looking old man pulls up next to their car. The driver rolls down her window and starts telling the guy her problems. Old man just sits there and talks dirty to them in German. Passenger girl looks up in her German/English dictionary one of the words that the old man said and realizes he just said the dreaded F word. Now more upset and scared, driver girl rolls up her window and the two of them wait for creepy old guy to drive away. (which he eventually does)

Here we are with two frantic, lost girls and a flat tire in some dark, lonely place. My brain tells me that they are going to get out of the car and get lost in the woods right before they decide to get out of the car and try to find help. Now, most people who are lost in a foreign country at night in the middle of nowhere that decide to walk and find help would probably stay on or near the road. Not these girls! Within seconds, they are wondering blind though some thick forest in their skirts and high heels. No idea where to go, or where their car is.

[I've never tried heroin, but by this point, I'm thinking it's a good idea. Starting a drug habit makes about as much sense as someone making a horror/thriller movie using the same tired victim sequence of events.]

The lost girls are about to give up when they see light coming from a house. Excited, they go running to the house and start banging on the windows and shouting for help. They make their way to the front door and that's where scary looking bad dude appears.

[The only thing that is cool about this movie is Dieter Laser. He has an awesome name that sounds like some 70's porn star, but there's more. His face. This dude is so scary looking! He could scare cancer into remission. Have him walk though a childrens hospital and he will leave as a saint.]

Ok, so scary bad dude opens the door in his awesome scary bad way and the girls instantly start yammering about how they need help. Scary bad dude asks in a creepy calm way, “are you alone?”

[What was the one thing I wanted you to remember? That's right, these girls are from New York. Well they're acting like they're from North Dakota, all trusting like. Hell, even a naïve girl from North Dakota would take one look at this guy and run!]

Let's ignore the fact that scary bad dude failed to scare. Girls go in the house, he pretends to call for help, drops some roofies in their water, one girl drinks up and passes out, other girl spilled hers so he had to knock her out the old fashioned way.

Girls wake up in what looks like a large hospital room with three beds. They are all strapped down. In bed number 3 is our trucker buddy from the beginning of the movie. Scary bad dude shows up and tells the trucker that “he's not a match” and kills him via lethal injection. One of the girls manages to break free from her restraints and takes off. She runs about the house trying to find a place to hide. Scary bad dude chases her around. A window gets broken. Now the girl has the chance to make a dash for freedom and potential help. Instead, she runs back down stairs and tries to rescue her friend. Her friend is still unconscious from the drugging, so instead of running for freedom (again) she unstraps her friend and drags her across the room, up the stairs, though the bedroom and out the window. She gets about 20 feet out into the yard, still dragging her friend when scary bad dude appears and recaptures her.

[At this point, my mind is reeling. Was she planning on dragging her friend across the sticks and rocks through the forest? What was the scary bad dude doing in the 7 hours that this girl was dragging her friend? It's time for me to shoot up, where's that needle?]

Girls end up strapped in the hospital beds again. Truck driver guy is replaced with a Japanese guy who is a match. Japanese guy doesn't speak a lick of English, so prepare to get treated with lots of subtitles as this guy yells and screams. Scary bad dude gives a talk about the operation he is planning. Unfortunately, it's hard to hear the gory details of how he's going to join these three people face to ass because Japanese guy won't stop screaming. It's like trying to watch a World Cup match with those damn vuvuzelas in the background.

Scary bad dude does the operation and the three people are now surgically joined face to ass. They share their gastric system, so basically they're crapping in each others mouths. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I have a feeling that a strict diet of human feces is not sustainable. Regardless, what's done is done and the scary bad dude has his centipede. The rest of the movie is him making them crawl around and watching the girls try to comfort each other by holding hands. They eventually jump the scary bad dude (which injures him) and make a break for it as fast as three people stitched together can go. Scary bad dude corners them and Japanese guy ends up taking his own life by slitting his throat. A funny side note, that suicide wasn't actually part of the script, the Japanese guy just couldn't believe that he was in such a bad movie and decided to take the honorable way out.

Now things are all messed up. The “head” of the centipede is dead and the two girls stuck behind him are wondering where their next tube steak is going to come from. The scary bad dude is injured, the cops show up to serve a warrant on him because they think he's up to something. Cops break every standard police procedure in the book serving their warrant. One thing leads to another and both cops and scary bad dude end up dead from a shoot out.

Back to the centipede, the “ass” of the centipede has an infection around her face/ass stitches. She ends up dying from it. So the movie ends with everyone dead except the girl who is stuck in the middle of the dead centipede.

I think I liked this movie better when I watched it the first time and fell asleep 20 minutes into it. Time stands still watching this boring pile of crap. Life will be better having never seen this!
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Trailer:

Credits:

Directed by: Tom Six
Written by: Tom Six
Starring: Deiter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura





Source of the Bitter: Smash

Comments, rants and other stuffs below
JAS on Fri, 06/18/2010 - 12:54pm

Thanks for the review/recap of this seemingly horrid movie, Smash! Thanks for warning about the spoilers too.

What cracks me up the most, even with the numerous laughs this review gave me is that you seem upset that his torture is not sustainable. I think you've been listening to all this green energy talk. Manslaughter doesn't necessarily need to be sustainable. :P

Smash on Fri, 06/18/2010 - 2:21pm

I agree that it doesn't have to be sustainable, however what's the point of making a "pet" only for it to die a few days later? If one didn't care about sustainability, then he or she could do something cool like stitch them into a circle. I think the brilliance of Tom Six is too great for my brain to comprehend. :)