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The Mayans couldn't predict these disasters! G.I Joe and Upcoming Trash

 

Yeah, I got majorly Joed, too. You got to thank my man JAS for making a movie I knew would suck worth seeing because of the expectation of sucking. This man should be teaching the subtle art of reverse psychology. Well, JAS has a lot of harsh words more painful than the nanotermites injected in cobra vipers, so I let him put this poor horse to sleep. For what it's worth, the movie managed to meet my low expectations.

However, it was very disappointing to see actors with talent like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Christopher Eccleston, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, and Jonathan Pryce perform so obviously disinterested that you would guess they where in a Stephen Sommers movie, oh crap, that's right! It looks like all they cared about was to get a paycheck so they can support their acclaimed indie flicks and BBC shows.

Mostly, I was bitter over Sienna Miller's turn as the Baroness. I felt this was the perfect role for her: a hot, evil bitch that would solidify her image as one of cinema's most desired bad girls a la Angelina Jolie. Instead, she was such an damsel in distress with an ill-advised moral turn that takes away the whole point of the Baroness. She could have been locked up on the hightower of the Terrordome and call her "Rapunzel, Rapunzel" for all I cared.

As for Sommers, this is what he can do, make you a 175 million dollar movie that feels like a borderline straight to DVD project. Mediocre fight choreography, so-so special effects, repetitive action sequences, and flashbacks and character revelations so improperly timed that instead of adding dimension it feels forced with laughable results. At least this movie didn't give me the headache that Transformers 2 did, so for that and the unintentional laughs, it is not the worst movie of the summer.

But I digress. I don't know what previews you guys got for G.I Joe, but if their were the ones I got, Bitter Balcony will be in business for quite some time. We got M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender, based on the series Avatar. This guy, who I truly felt at one point would inherit the baton from Spielberg as the most talented blockbuster director, still has the audacity after The Happening to put his name above any title is a display of unwarranted vanity.

Each of his movies seem to get worst plot twist after plot twist, and the fact that they are preachy just confirms Shyamalan's bloated ego. I got a great twist for you, M. Night, that finally an eerie mist that mysteriously covers a drive thru theater in a small town in Pennsylvania dissolves, and trough a Deus Ex Machina closure, a screening of The Village plays just for you, and it's finally dawns on you a what piece of shit it is.

Another winner is Robin Williams'new comedy Old Dogs, directed by the genius who brought us Wild Hogs. Here, Robin Williams gets to go green by recycling garbage he did ten years ago in Father's Day. The audience for G.I Joe were hysterical with this preview, because it's somehow funny to see once great, now out of their prime actors like Williams and John Travolta being attacked by gorillas and penguins in a zoo. I find it a bit cruel, especially for Robin.

We also got another gift from Chris Columbus, who for years has gotten away with crimes against good taste since his directing style is so remarkably undistinguished it's untraceable. His new adventure Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief , about a young boy who finds an magical world on top of the Empire State Building, looks as unappetizing as Harry Potter's booger beans.

We also have a longer trailer for 2012, about that Mayan prophesied catastrophe that will kill us all. John Cusack, always smartest cat in the room, heads this Roland Emmerich movie. Why couldn't the Mayans predict the coming of Roland Emmerich and blow us up before this joker ever picked up a camera?

The only two movies that looked interesting were Martin Scorsese's Shutter Island and Astroboy. In Shutter Island, Scorsese puts Leonardo DiCaprio where he seems to like him, undercover and infiltrating. This time DiCaprio is trying to unlock a mystery inside an asylum on top of a remote island. It is based on a novel by Dennis Lehane , whose books have been adapted into good films like Mystic River and Gone, Baby, Gone.

As for Astroboy, based on the classic Japanese comic and series, it looks like it could at least be entertaining. The Boy that inspired other droids like Mega Man and David from A.I gets a tune up with Freddie Highmore voicing the hero. Of course, the audience seemed indifferent over these two films since they got no reaction one way or another. Screw it, JO-JOE!!! -JR





Source of the Bitter: John Rojas

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