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Taking the fun out of frostbite [User Review]

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, 2010 Frozen  (2010)

***** Spoiler Alert *****

Yeah, the movie is named Frozen. Apparently, there have been several movies made named Frozen, all of which are completely different stories by different people. This gem, made in 2010, is the most recent.

I'm going to be lazy and copy the storyline from imdb. I feel that I've wasted 93 minutes of my life on this trash heap, there's no sense spending any extra time writing what has already been written.

“In Mount Holliston, snowboarders Dan Walker, his girlfriend Parker O'Neil and his best friend Joe Lynch don't have enough money to buy cable car tickets. Parker bribes Jason, an employee of the skiing station, with one hundred dollars. When the system is nearing closure, they force Jason to let them have the last pass. However, Jason needs to resolve a problem and his colleague misunderstands his instructions and stops the cable car, and the trio of snowboarders gets stranded on the chairlift on the top of the mountain. When they see that the lights of the ski resort had been turned off, they need to make a choice: leave the chairlift or freeze to death.”

***** Keep reading for the awesome details of this masterpiece *****

Yeah, so...pretty simple movie. It plays on the fear everyone has of getting stuck, swinging in the air on a chairlift. Forces you to think, “what would I do if I were stranded on a chairlift and nobody was around to help?” It also forces you to think, “did I forget to put the clothes in the dryer?”

Here's the story. The three friends want to hit the slopes one more time before going home. Normally this place closes at 10pm, but they are shutting down early due to bad weather. They beg the dumbass chairlift operator to let them go one more time, which he did. A few minutes into their ascent up the mountain, chairlift operator gets called away and his even dumber replacement screws up and shuts down the lift, leaving our three friends stuck high in the air. They figure the lift will start moving again, but give up hope when all of the ski slope lights are turned off.

After a few hours of freezing, Dan basically says 'screw it' and makes a jump for it. He lands hard and ends up with multiple compound fractures on both legs. Parker and Joe sit on the lift and cry while Dan writhes in pain. Joe attempts to swing, hand over hand, along the main lift cable to get to the nearest support tower, complete with ladder. He doesn't get very far when he looks down and sees a pack of wolves show up and devour Dan. (Wildlife fact: Wolves don't attack humans)

Back in the chair, Joe and Parker sit and freeze. The one thing that pisses me off through this entire movie is the way the characters handle the weather. They are all dressed quite warm, however, they make no attempt to cover their faces. They have the type of jacket with the extra long zipper, snaps and drawstrings to hide your face from the elements. Instead, they expose as much skin as possible. Parker loses a glove earlier in the night and doesn't even attempt to protect her exposed hand by putting in a pocket or up her sleeve.

Now it's the next morning, bright and sunny. Any normal person with massive amounts of exposed flesh would have expired overnight. Not our friends. They wake up like nothing is wrong. Well, almost nothing. Parker had her bare hand grasping the safety bar on the chair while she was sleeping. She is in shock when she realizes that her hand is frozen to the bar. She slowly peels it off, leaving behind skin and special effects latex.

The awesome twosome sit all day and reminisce about life and other random crap stranded people on chairlifts suffering from hypothermia talk about. Finally, Joe gets worked up enough to make another go at climbing along the cable. Joe gives it his all and manages to get to the next chair on the lift. He's so close to the tower with the ladder, but there's one problem. The wolf pack is back. They're walking around, staring up in the air, waiting for Joe to come down. (Sigh, wolves don't do this!) Joe leaves his new chair and gets to the tower and starts his descent to the ground, and wolves. As soon as his ski boots hit the snow, a wolf attacks and knocks him to the ground. They fight for a minute until Joe picks up a ski pole and hits the wolf. The wolf yelps and runs away. Don't worry, no animals were hurt in the making of this film, only egos and careers.

Things are looking up as Joe grabs a ski and starts to slide down the mountain. Parker looks on in horror as several wolves come out of nowhere and proceed chase Joe. Hours go by and Parker is alone in the chair. So, Joe didn't make it? We are treated to a short video clip montage of Parker as she attempts to show her various emotions, alone on this mountain. I can just see the director shouting instructions. “Be angry, more angry! Now you are sad, cry damn it! You are afraid, show me afraid. More, more, more, yes that's it!”

Parker and her ungloved hand go through another night on the mountain! Let me stop and say that I've lived in cold places. I have had early stages of frost bite on my hands. It took about 2 hours to set in, not 2 days. My hands were numb and my fingers barely moved. Parker is still moving her hand and fingers like nothing is wrong. So lame. Anyway, the chair starts to break away from it's mount. Typical scene that's been done in thousands of movies. The bolt eventually slides out and and the chair falls. There is a safety cable that stops the chair from falling after it had dropped about half way to the ground. Everything is better now, right? Of course, the safety cable starts to fray and....yes, I know, this has been done before. Realizing the cable is going to snap and that the ground is now much closer, Parker makes a jump for it. She falls to the ground unhurt...until the safety cable completely fails and the chair lands on her ankle. [Facepalm time] I really can't believe I'm watching this.

So Parker gets her leg free and starts sliding on her stomach down the mountain. She gets about halfway down and sees red snow. Then she sees the mutilated body of Joe and the wolf pack chowing down on him. They look at her and then go back to eating. She slides all the way down close to some road. A car is coming, so she stands up and starts running while trying to flag them down. Of course, as soon as the car is in range, she trips and falls into the snow and the car drives on. Oh c'mon, really? Does every movie have to have an unlimited series of tragic events? Anyway, she drags herself to the road and lays part way in it. Eventually another vehicle comes by and stops, without something awful happening like rolling over, exploding or killing her. The good Samaritan stops, picks her up and the movie ends with her in the vehicle on their way to the hospital.

Yay, it's over. Unfortunately, this movie had potential. Unfortunately, they overlooked basic facts, mainly involving human exposure to cold air, (and animal behavior) that just made the movie stupid and unbelievable. I guess it is too much work to shiver when you're supposed to be cold. It's just another bad, low budget movie that only required a few pictures of a ski slope and a chairlift chair. The dialogue was flat and the acting was way off. For someone stuck in the cold, they sure didn't act like they were cold. I know this is a long read, but subtract the time it took to read this from 93 minutes and do something better with your life than watch this crap.





Source of the Bitter: Smash

Comments, rants and other stuffs below
JAS on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 8:28pm

You crack me up, Smash! I LOL'ed at, "Don't worry, no animals were hurt in the making of this film, only egos and careers."

I think your review has more content than what this movie seems to have and triple the entertainment value. Thanks for posting!