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Twilight: Eclipse - May the moon eclipse this one so no one can ever see it again!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Twilight: Eclipse 2010Melissa RosenbergDavid SladeKristen Stewart,Robert Pattinson,Taylor Lautner,Anna Kendrick,Jackson Rathbone,Dakota FanningStephenie Meyer Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Twilight: Eclipse(2010)
 

A review in short letters to the characters and film crew…

Dear Jacob and Edward,

Get over it. Bella is playing you like a fiddle. Why your respective families insist on helping you defend this manipulative little brat is beyond me. She can barely manage a smile and also barely manages to be able to make you both smile.

Jacob, stop wanting to hump her leg. There are plenty other better "mates" to "imprint" on. BTW: what does imprint mean? Are you going to pee on her leg to establish ownership?

Edward, no matter how lame you are, you can still find a better woman for yourself. Also, aren't you 100+ years old? I'm 32 and I find this chick terribly annoying to the point of wanting to watch her enemies devour her. Evolve a bit, buddy. You are letting a teenager manipulate the crap out of you. Sucker! You make love look like painful constipation.

Both of you should stop fighting over this Olive Oyl and fight over someone who is at least interesting. Or hot. Or capable of smiling.

Let’s look back to the end of this movie where you are both in a tent. In a few short sentences you both managed to make each other smile. This is more than Bella has managed in three movies. Maybe there is something more here? Are you both running away from each other?

Bella,

STFU!

Filmmakers,

Try to tell us a story that is entertaining. Don't bounce back and forth between two jackasses trying to convince some snot-nosed punk that you are better for her than the other guy. Also if make the action interesting. This whole film was mind-numbing. On a final note, welcome to the "Worst Film of the Decade Competition. “Twilight: Eclipse” and "Last Airbender" are neck and neck.

Loathe,
Bitter Balcony

P.S. What is that dumb-shit vampire smashing like glass? It's moronic. Stop it.

Trailer:

Official website:
Twilight: Eclipse

Pics:
Twilight: Eclipse2010Melissa RosenbergDavid SladeKristen Stewart,Robert Pattinson,Taylor Lautner,Anna Kendrick,Jackson Rathbone,Dakota FanningStephenie Meyer  Twilight: Eclipse2010Melissa RosenbergDavid SladeKristen Stewart,Robert Pattinson,Taylor Lautner,Anna Kendrick,Jackson Rathbone,Dakota FanningStephenie Meyer  Twilight: Eclipse2010Melissa RosenbergDavid SladeKristen Stewart,Robert Pattinson,Taylor Lautner,Anna Kendrick,Jackson Rathbone,Dakota FanningStephenie Meyer 

Credits:
Directed by: David Slade
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg
Based on work(s) by: Stephenie Meyer
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Anna Kendrick, Jackson Rathbone, Dakota Fanning


Source of the Bitter: JAS

Comments, rants and other stuffs below
Smash on Thu, 07/08/2010 - 10:49am

It's one thing to suspend belief in reality and watch a movie where some people are vampires and others are werewolves the size of Greyhound buses. There are still things that don't make sense to me which could be potential problems regarding Edward and Bella hooking up.

1. Edward is a vampire. According to this movie, they are dead. Because they are dead, their heart doesn't pump blood and their body temperature is quite cold. This leads me to:
A. How can Edward achieve and maintain an erection without any blood pressure?
B. Being cold, will Bella think she's having sex with a frozen hot dog?

2. Edward is afraid of having sex because it is not safe for her. Is this his excuse to cover up his inability to get it up? Or:
A. He's afraid that he'll use his vampire super speed and finish in .08 seconds. In that time, he could inflict a lot of physical damage before she can say "ow!"
B. Bella being a virgin, there could be blood involved. The temptation to "go down" on her would be too great. He would give a new meaning to "eating out"

Regardless, I don't know and I don't want to know. I'm going by the rules of vampire physiology as they have been presented to me in this movie series. I guess this wouldn't be the first movie in history with a gaping continuity hole.

By the way, the werewolf dudes are always running around shirtless because their body temperature is so high. Are we ever going to see the werewolf chick shirtless too?

elvendude (not verified) on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 11:41am

"Are we ever going to see the werewolf chick shirtless too?"

I'm too lazy to find my source for this now, but: that was actually considered, discussed, and ultimately rejected.

JAS on Wed, 07/14/2010 - 9:39pm

Well, that's some bullshit. If the rest of the ass wads walk around without a shirt because they tear through to many or some shit then the same should go for the chick. Pfft.

Who knows maybe that would have made me as a man dig this film more..... LOL yeah, I didn't buy that one either.

JAS on Thu, 07/08/2010 - 10:57am

LOL I love your observations. They make total sense which proves how horrid this movie is and on how many levels.

RE: Vampire Super Speed...

Bella, "What? That's it?"

Edward, "What? That was twice already?"

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