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Where's Waldo is getting a movie... Proof that Hollywood still sucks.

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,   Bitter,Bitterometer,meter  

Yup, you read right! "Where's Waldo" that book we al know that has absolutely NO story is getting a feature film. Hollywood, in this case MGM, proving once again that they refuse to have the balls to shoot original stories have purchased the rights to the book and probably expect us to point at the screen filled with people and find out where this white and red wearing two dimensional character is.

Call us when Hollywood grows a pair, so we can actually look forward to Hollywood movies again.

In the meantime, file this under pathetic.

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Real Steel supports animal abuse. Where is PETA?

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Real Steel 2011Leslie Bohem, John GatinsShawn LevyHope Davis,Anthony Mackie,Evangeline Lilly,Hugh Jackman,Kevin Durand Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Real Steel(2011)
 

Sock ‘em Rock ‘em Robots, er, “Real Steel” starts off in the worse possible way. A man pits a giant robot against a bull. For the entertainment of the crowd this robot attempts to beat the crap out of a bull. It was great to think, “Where is PETA?” at the start of a movie we never thought could get any worse than the premise. Bull fighting aside this movie shows us once again that Hugh Jackman really needs to pick and choose a bit more.

“Real Steel” follows Charlie Kenton, a crappy robot fighter and equally crappy father, while he is forced to take care of his son and fight more robots. Thankfully, the fights are robot and robot and don’t sicken us further with animal abuse. Somehow, magically, he finds a robot under mud and filth and it turns him into a pro… unlike a refurbished $50,000 robot couldn’t do.

Instead of going over all that is wrong with this film let us cut it short and say that everyone seems to be trying, but that’s it. When it ended I thanked my lucky stars that I have the fortitude to ingest this much crap and live then I walked away.

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"The Thing" A pale imitation of the original

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, The Thing 2011Eric Heisserer, John W. Campbell Jr.Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.Mary Elizabeth Winstead,Joel Edgerton,Ulrich Thomsen,Eric Christian Olsen,Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje,	Paul Braunstien,Trond Espen,Kim Bubbs,Jørgen Langhelle Bitter,Bitterometer,meter The Thing(2011)
 

“The Thing” is a prequel to the ‘80s movie by the same title. This time around we get to see what happened to the “Sweeds” as Mack called them, which were really Norwegians, as Dr. Cooper would correct him. Unfortunately, we couldn’t keep this as a subtitled movie and focus on the Nords and their struggle into paranoid social decay. Instead, we are forced to swallow the fact that the Nords, who this author thought were as stranded in solitude as the Americans, would call some lady from the US to investigate what they had found. Are their no Nordic specialists in ancient artifacts/paleontology? Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is that graduate student/specialist in ancient artifacts/paleontologist that is brought on to help investigate the discovery of an alien ship that was discovered in the Antarctic. That’s right, this time there is a woman, NAY two, involved in dealing with the human copying menace.

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Is Moneyball a Grand Slam?

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Moneyball 2011Steven Zaillian, Aaron SorkinBennett MillerBrad Pitt, Jonah HillMichael Lewis (novel: Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Moneyball(2011)
 

“Moneyball,” based on the controversial non-fiction Baseball novel by Michael Lewis, follows the revolutionary tactics Oakland Athletics General Manager Billy Beane (Brad Pitt) implemented to create a winning team on a modest budget. Defying the tradition of Baseball’s antiquated recruiting methods; Beane’s story transcends the design of the diamond field. “MoneyBall” is evidence that even in the oldest of American games, the incorporation of the new can still come out on top.

Beane, the quick-draw mastermind of the small market A’s, feels the pressure from the team’s owner to assemble a championship-caliber team with the salary cap of roughly 40 million dollars. In Major League Baseball terms, that seemingly hefty amount is worth a box of Cracker Jack's compared to the over 100 million dollars elite teams like the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox get to splurge on star players.

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Can’t Look Away: The Lure of Horror (Exhibit Review)

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,   Bitter,Bitterometer,meter  

The EPM Museum recently opened a great exhibit on the lure of horror films. As read at EMPMuseum.com, "Organized by EMP, Can't Look Away: The Lure of Horror Film examines the pivotal role that horror plays in the human experience. Three iconic horror directors--Roger Corman, John Landis, and Eli Roth--have curated a selection of their favorite films, providing a solid foundation on which audiences can safely explore the spectrum of cinematic horror, from its inception at the turn of the 20th century to the present day."

There are all sorts of props including "the script from "Night of the Living Dead", the alien creature suit from "Alien", the scavenger demon from "Constantine", Jack Torrance's axe from "The Shining", the original ‘Gill Man’ mask used in "Creature from the Black Lagoon", "Bram Stoker's Dracula" manuscript, and other horror film memorabilia."

There are a few screens separated by what looks to be a "Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" inspired forest that play interviews with the three curator/directors about classic and modern horror films from the turn of the 20th century to the present.

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Thank Odin! The Avenger's trailer doesn't suck!

 

Thank you, Odin and all the gods of Asgard, we can actually look forward to crossing the rainbow bridge and descending on Earth to see "The Avengers" film.

On a side note, I wish Scarlett Johansson wasn't in this. Her bad stunt double and ridiculous action poses seem to have followed her into this film as well as the underwhelming "Iron Man 2".

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South Florida's Creep Cinema Art Exhibit will Scare the Shit Out of You!!! (not really, but it's cool)

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Creep Cinema  Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Creep Cinema
 

Creep Cinema is a horrifyingly sweet art exhibition with exclusive pieces from South Florida artists. The theme (duh) is based on dreadfully beloved horror films and monsters, ranging from classics like the Invisible Man to modern creeps like the devilish Pennywise. We will get a couple of interviews with some of the participants during the next posts, but for now enjoy the pictures we took from the Opening Night gala at Bear and Bird Boutique inside Tate’s Comics. For more photos, check out our facebook: http://www.facebook.com/bitterbalcony.

Creep Cinema Exhibit
located at Bear and Bird Boutique/Tate's Comics
from October 1 until November 12. 2011

4566 North University Drive
Lauderhill, FL
(954)748-0181
www.bearandbird.com

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