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"Meat Market" proves that indie zombie movies can be absolutely terrible, too!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Meat Market  Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Meat Market
 

“Meat Market” is one of those terrible examples of a poorly made indie films that just so happens to be 90+ minutes long and qualifies for feature film status. What’s worse is that Netflix sees it fit to negotiate for streaming rights. Short of a long rant, this means that Netflix will stream anything that qualifies as a feature film no matter how bad it is.

“Meat Market” is an elementary example of filmmaking at best. The "film makers" of this film take the zombie genre and make it as cheesy in it’s poor DV style as it could be. This even includes an extremely poor monologue-ish moment with a guy who says, “fuck,” thirty-too-many times. Honestly, it's quite embracing.

The performances, editing, writing and directing are so sub-par we couldn’t suggest this poor excuse for a film even as a joke. There are gratuitous boob shots, but again, so poorly done we can only hope for death before the end of the scene arrives.

We could go on for paragraphs on how terrible this film is, but why bother? This film is horrid. Everyone involved is terrible. The only reason to watch this film is if you hate yourself so much you want to drive yourself to suicide.

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"Sucker Punch" sucker punches us in the nuts!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Sucker Punch 2011 Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Sucker Punch(2011)
 

We are pretty big Zack Snyder fans around these parts. He gave us a great “Dawn of the Dead” remake, a chest beating “300,” and a very well adapted “Watchmen.” Heck, he even gave us a great-animated owl movie. The question remains though. Why, oh why, do we feel like we’ve been sucker punched in the nuts?

Snyder took the reigns on this one and dialed the insane action to 11, but the sad fact is that sometimes too much of a good thing is bad. The movie is way over the top and yes, reminds of a videogame. The thing here is that the plot and character development are so paper thin that even if you dialed it back to 10 it still wouldn’t impress.

I, JAS, really tried to hold on, but the action scene with the robots on the train was so epically terribly shot that had I not been sitting next to a friend I would have left the theater. It truly was much like the work of Michael Bay or, heck, even Stephen Sommers. If you have read anything else from us at Bitter Balcony you would know that that is a the worst we could say just under, “it was Uwe Boll-esque.”

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“Donnie Darko” didn’t corner the market on creepy bunnies, but Cheezeburger is sure trying! [sweepstakes]

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,    

Our buddies at Cheezeburger have Sketchy Bunnies. Much like Fail Blog, Sketchy Bunnies chronicles the bizarre, and usually creepy, thing that is grown men dressed as bunnies. “A Christmas Story” has a cute child in a bunny suit that we laughed at, “Donnie Darko” has the freaky time bandit bunny thing and reality has some creepy Pedo-Bunnies.

That’s not all though! Currently Sketchy Bunnies is running a sweepstakes where you can win, “A sketchy Easter Bunny basket full of items that only someone over the age of 18 should have (Mandarin mustache; giant plastic scissors; glow in the dark silly putty; sex scratchers scratch book; personal lubricant; Vaseline; lots of sketchy gross candy i.e. meatball gumballs, gummy velveteen rabbits, gummy bacon; a latex rabbit; a latex unicorn; and emergency underpants)”

Personally, they had us at Latex Unicorns and sex scratchers scratch book.

So go! Visit here to read the rules and partake of amazing latex/lubricant-filled sweepstakes!

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Hotties in Haiku: Lenora Crichlow as Annie

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,    

The perfect woman.



Sweet, caring, tea-loving girl.



Too bad she's a ghost.


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Limitless asks: what are you on?

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Limitless 2011Leslie DixonNeil BurgerBradley Cooper, Robert De NiroAlan Glynn (Novel) Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Limitless(2011)
 

Finally, there’s a movie that champions our society’s hunger for enhancement in “Limitless.” Flavor of the month Bradley Cooper plays Eddie Morra, an uninspired writer whose ambition has been quenched by daylight hangovers. When Eddie’s girlfriend Lindy (Abbie Cornish) dumps him, Eddie finds himself in a deep ditch. However, Eddie’s life is about to take a literary twist when his former brother in-law Vernon (Johnny Whitworth) offers him a pill that ends up showing Eddie the endless possibilities of his potential. Eddie, juiced up with a new found confidence, finds in this drug the key to his desires and aspirations.

Unfortunately for Eddie, his supplier Vernon ends up killed, leaving Eddie fearing for his life. But when he finds a huge stash of the pills, Eddie’s relentless rise to the top finds him partying with the wealthy, getting laid in the bathrooms of high end clubs with beautiful women, and even venturing into the stock market, where he partners up with the market’s top dog Carl Van Loon(Robert De Niro).

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Super Mario Bros. as it should have been

 

While I think the "Super Mario Bros." is a work of genius the likes of which we just can't understand, as the simple beings we are, this is probably more like what the feature film version of the video game should have been.

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Forgive the lull in content over the next week or so...

 

Many things going on non-Bitter Balcony related and Bitter Balcony related, so content from JAS will be slow.

However you can post your own reviews to help out! Find out how by clicking that big red tab above!

Thanks for your patience!

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