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Why is Charlie Sheen Awesome? Because Apology is a word he's nerver heard of.

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,    

Charlie Sheen, a 1980's hot male lead turned into a middle aged television star two decades later, smears his superiority all over interviews and now all over the internet. So, is he really special, a chosen Adonis so consumed by his exclusivity that all we can do is follow his wild rants in awe? I realized that everything that Mr. Sheen declares himself to be is absolutely true. How many can’t survive years of substance abuse, destroyed bonds and career failures and still walk away a winner. Somehow, this dude can do what most of us dwarfs so ineptly falter.

Here is a man whose binges and philandering are more memorable than his borderline straight to VHS body of work. Here is a man that doesn't play with the rules because the rules don't apply to him, and his mischievous, erratic behavior is simply dismissed by "oh, that's Charlie being Charlie." Maybe hidden in between Sheen's deranged quotes and flamboyant arrogance is a simple truth: we like those who are righteous, but we fucking love those who are anything but. There is a lesson to be learned from this man, never say you’re sorry.

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"The Chase" to find a good Charlie Sheen movie...

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, The Chase 1994Adam RifkinAdam RifkinCharlie Sheen,Kristy Swanson,Flea,Anthony Keidis,Ray Wise,Cary Elwes,Henry Rollins,Ron Jeremy Bitter,Bitterometer,meter The Chase(1994)
 

“The Chase” plays out a lot like current day real life for Charlie Sheen. You have a guy who can’t keep himself out of trouble and just says, “Fuck it,” and gets into trouble because of his impulsiveness and severe lack of filter, all while ‘macking’ it to some hot ladies.

Sheen plays Jackson Davis Hammond, a guy with much too elaborate of a name to be in a movie that has as little character development as this. We prefer to call him Jack. Jack is in trouble. He’s about to go to jail for a crime he didn’t commit and decides the best way out is to hold Natalie (played by the ridiculously good looking Kristy Swanson) hostage with candy bar. What comes is a series of exaggerated situations and the “getting to know you” moments between Natalie and Jack.

The performances are terrible and the overacting is dialed up to 11, but the film still manages to entertain even though most of it is spent in a car that doesn’t ever run out of gasoline. Thank Zod for solar powered and giant fuel-celled cars of the ‘90s. The characters are one-dimensional and the story is as flimsy as the idea that Sheen’s brain is so powerful normal people couldn’t handle its power.

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Wall Street: We had to go back 24 years to find a good Charlie Sheen movie, that's how much we care!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Wall Street 1987Stanley Weiser,Oliver StoneOliver StoneMichael Douglas,Charlie Sheen Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Wall Street(1987)
 

Charlie Sheen is one of the lucky men in the world to have the blood lineage of a mythological deity, but even rarer than Sheen’s potent DNA is finding a movie with him that’s actually GOOD. Yes, Sheen can bring orgasmic bliss to hookers on cocaine binges before storing them in the closets of hotel rooms, but when it comes to the quality of his work, he might as well have gerbil blood. Fortunately for Sheen, the handsome, cocky punk with a slick mouth that he is became the muse for director Oliver Stone during his glory days, before acid flashbacks and voices in his head yelling “Charlie” got the best of the renegade director. 1987’s “Wall Street” is a great American film about the intricacies of the Stock Trade, as well as a classic morality tale about the limits of excessiveness.

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"Hot Shots!" Retro-Sheen review

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Hot Shots! 1991Jim AbrahamsJim AbrahamsCharlie Sheen,Cary Elwes,Valeria Golino,Lloyd Bridges,Jon Cryer,Kristy Swanson Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Hot Shots!(1991)
 

There was a time when the warlock himself, Charlie Sheen wasn’t so full of himself and tiger’s blood. During this time he made some good movies and he made some cheesy shit. This one qualifies as the latter and he hasn’t aimed higher ever since. He may brag about how great he is, but he hasn’t really tried to do anything “great” since 1990 or perhaps a smidge earlier.

“Hot Shots!” is a film that mocks other movies of the time like “Top Gun” and other military films of the ‘80s. Charlie Sheen plays Lt. Topper Harley a character as two dimensional as he sounds. He’s there only to ham up the pun after pun after pun. While the puns aren’t that bad and the movie entertain it is cheesy shit.

The performances are good enough in the ridiculously over-hammed-up way that you’d expect it to be. It feels a lot like “Airplane” while watching it and even shares a Lloyd Bridges from the series. Valeria Golino stands out in the crowd as she amps up the sexy to some ridiculous lines and situations. Her performance is probably the best in the film. Kristy Swanson who co-stars in “The Chase” has a cameo, as does Jon Cryer from “Two and a Half Men.”

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Hotties in Haiku: Denise Richards as Charlie Sheen's wife

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,    

You were once his wife.



Couldn't handle Tiger's Blood.



Escaping, smart move.


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It's Tiger Blooded Sheen Week!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,    

Join us for a week of Adonis DNA filled movie reviews from Charlie Sheen's body of work!

We'll cover the good, the bad and the tiger blooded!

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Underrated Films Presents: Strange Days (1995)

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Strange Days 1995James Cameron, Jay CocksKathryn BigelowRalph Fiennes,Angela Bassett,Juliette Lewis,Tom Sizemore,Michael Wincott,Vincent D'Onofrio,Glenn PlummerJames Cameron Strange Days(1995)
 

Years before karma gave Kathryn Bigelow the academy award over giving it to James Cameron the two were wed. No seriously. The two rivaling directors were married before they were out back at the Oscars dueling to the death*. Thankfully, this union gave us the gem that is “Strange Days.”

Lenny Nero (Ralph Fiennes) is a dealer of a different, and futuristic, sort. Nero deals “clips.” The drug of choice for those who want to live it up as a lesbian, bank robber or even someone who has legs, in the case they don’t. Lenny Nero is obsessed with his ex-girlfriend, Faith (Juliette Lewis) who is on her slow rise to stardom. Thanks to a “clip” their friend recorded Nero must enlist the help of Mace (Angela Bassett) and Max (Tom Sizemore) to figure out what to do with this clip before the fit hits the shan and cause riots on the eve of New Years 2000.

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