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Len Wiseman You Fucking Hack!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,   Bitter,Bitterometer,meter  

I give up on Len Wiseman. You fucking suck.

He's just signed a deal to reboot "The Mummy" franchise. Read all about Hollywoods latest atrocity here.


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Resident Evil: Retribution takes its revenge on our wanting to watch good films.

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Resident Evil: Retribution 2012Paul W.S. AndersonPaul W.S. AndersonMilla Jovovich,Michelle Rodriguez Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Resident Evil: Retribution(2012)

During my time of writing reviews I can say that I’ve seen many terrible films. I dislike some and like a very small few. If I’m lucky I hate, and I mean, “Every single copy should be burned,” hate even less. Honestly, I F-ing hate the latest installment of the already overly sequeled series. This is yet another example of how Paul W.S. Anderson really should be banned from making these incredibly bad films.

The entirely lame premise of “Resident Evil: Retribution” is Alice wakes up in some lab… and is recruited by the dregs of upper-Umbrella management to fight Umbrella's A.I. That is it and the recruitment takes place in the last minute. Seriously, there is nothing else in this story. There is some shooting, some running and then some shooting again. NOTHING in the way of a story is told here.



Interview: Eli Sasich of HENRi

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,    

While reviewing some of the films for MIFFF (Maelstrom International Fantastic Film Festival) I couldn’t have been less prepared for “HENRi.” The title sounded interesting, but I didn’t realize the next 20 minutes would be filled with a very well executed short film about “a derelict spaceship that becomes self-aware, and builds itself a mechanical body in order to feel alive.”

I approached the writer/director of the film to get some insight into the process of making this film, what inspired it and the choice of using mostly puppets for the film. Thankfully, Eli Sasich agreed to the interview and the following is the results.

I’d like to give my thanks to Eli Sasich for taking the time out to answer some of our questions.

Tell us about where you started and your previous films?


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MIFFF (Maelstrom International Fantastic Film Festival) tickets are on sale!


MIFFF (Maelstrom International Fantastic Film Festival) tickets are on sale! Get them while they are available and join me there for a number of great short and feature films. This year’s selection is very strong with some truly great films from here and abroad.

Purchase your tickets HERE!

More information will be forthcoming!


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Branded - A film about advertising that can't even advertise itself well.

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Branded 2012Jamie Bradshaw,Aleksandr DuleraynJamie Bradshaw,Aleksandr DuleraynEd Stoppard,Leelee Sobieski,Max Von Sydow, Jeffrey Tambor Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Branded(2012)

For starters, for a movie about advertising, this film has no idea how to market what it really is. What you get from the trailer and what you see in the film are completely different experiences. Of course, when you actually watch the film you can see that the filmmakers involved didn’t know what they wanted this film to be in the first place.

In a dystopian future (I didn’t get that from the trailer) in Russia (didn’t get that either) corporate brands and advertising have manipulated man into becoming the most stereotypical of bad consumers. Fat is the new attractive, eating from “The Burger” for every meal is ideal and being controlled by brands is commonplace. The only thing that can destroy the brands… The very same advertising they used to gain their power.


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Expendables 2 is much less expendable

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Expendables 2 2012Richard Wenk,Sylvester Stallone,Ken Kaufman,David AgostoSimon WestSylvester Stallone,Bruce Willis,Arnold Schwarzenegger,Jean-Claude Van Damme,Chuck Norris,Scott Adkins,Jason Statham,Liam Hemsworth,Dolph Lundgren,Jet Li,Randy Couture,Terry Crews,Charisma Carpenter,Nikolette Noel,Nan Yu Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Expendables 2(2012)

The first “Expendables” was… Um, expendable… There were nary an establishing shot and even less of a great one-liner that I can recall. After some time, and a great many reviews telling Stallone what he did wrong, we have part deux of this “gather all the great oldies and put them in one film” themed movie. This time, Stallone took note. He still did whatever he thought was a good idea in the first film, but he laced it with what we all knew was missing.

When we watch “Expendables” or “Expendables 2” we wish for the poor performances of these former action stars to give us that one, unintentional, one-liner that we will quote for years. Randy Couture is completely useless and unwanted in these films. Thankfully Couture is given almost no lines in this sequel. Jet Li is not in the film for long. Despite his inability to deliver a punchline in English we didn’t want him gone completely. In this film, he vanishes before the first act is up.


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Where's My Kuato? Unfortunately, Not the Only Thing Missing from 2012's Total Recall!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Total Recall 2012Mark Bomback, Kurt WimmerLen WisemanColin Farrell, Kate BeckinsaleRonald Shusett, Dan O'Bannon, Jon Povill. Based on a novel by Philip K. Dick Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Total Recall(2012)

When the preview of the new “Total Recall” premiered, I was bemused by how uninspired it looked. How could a movie derived from one of the best Sci-Fi adventures of the 90’s be so potentially flat? I needed Kuato’s wisdom on this one! I took my ass to Mars, where Kuato popped out from some middle-aged man’s beer gut. Kuato’s slimy and tiny hands gently grab mine’s. I ask him, “Oh, Kuato, am I giving too much credit to a movie that co-starred a three-boob mutant? Is a movie where the most famous line is ‘See ya at the party, Richter!!!’ delivered with sardonic brunt by a 300 pound Austrian muscle-head absolved from the blasphemy of a remake?” Kuato’s calming voice just said “John...open your mind... open your mind... OPEN YOUR MINDDDDD...” My mind uncluttered, I was ready for recall, 2012.


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