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A review of a movie or TV show.

Get to the Choppa!!! Predators review

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Predators 2010Alex Litvak and Michael FinchNimród AntalAdrien Brody, Alice Braga, Topher Grace Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Predators(2010)
 

Finally, the most lethal hunters in the universe return to the perilous confines of the jungle in “Predators.” It’s a welcome home party for fans of this uneven franchise that began in 1987 with Arnold getting his ass handed to him in “Predator,” and Danny Glover returning the favor in 1990’s “Predator 2.” If being killed by Roger Murtaugh wasn’t a slap in the face, sharing the marquee with the Aliens in two terrible movies made these extraterrestrial hunters look like E.T. (Reese’s, anyone?). Robert Rodriguez ups his creative power producing this latest entry, “Predators,” and after nearly 20 years we’re as giddy as Mac singing “Gonna have me some fun tonight!”

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Gigli - Yup, we went there.

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Gigli 2003Martin BrestMartin BrestBen Affleck,Jennifer Lopez,Al Pacino,Christopher Walken Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Gigli(2003)
 

How does a director end his career? Become M. Night Shyamalan? Sadly, no. You make a movie that can make Christopher Walken boring. It takes some serious talent to make Walken struggle through a scene, but Martin Brest can manage it with a little help from Ben Affleck. To make it even more interesting Martin Brest can even write and direct a monologue that can make Al Pacino make one want to roll over on their other side and continue their nap.

Watching this film feels very much like slowly feeling your brain melt. The closest thing that you can call something to look forward to is its eventual seeping out of your ears or nose. One can almost feel their life vaporizing over time. How do you have time for such complex thoughts and realizations? Easy. Watch this movie. We dare you to say that your mind won't wander every which way, but the central plot.

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Get out of my head, Leo. GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Inception review!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Inception 2010Christopher Nolan Christopher Nolan Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Inception(2010)
 

Christopher Nolan proves again why he’s among Hollywood’s elite. After the phenomenon of “The Dark Knight,” this intrepid filmmaker had his work cut out for him: to deliver another spellbinding winner. Rather than jumping immediately into a third Batman, Nolan got his original story “Inception” green-lighted by Warner Bros.

“Inception” has corporate spies floating in mid-air, subconscious-created antagonists and a city that collapses onto itself. If you and I pitched this script, we would get the “don’t call us, we’ll call you” brush-off. But then again, none of us has a billion-dollar blockbuster to Power Point our spiel. To Bitter Balcony’s pleasure, Nolan is in top form; taking the dream battlefield of “The Matrix” and fusing it with the high-risk intrigue of “Mission Impossible.”

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Stan Helsing - Why? Because the internet hates me.

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Stan Helsing 2009Bo ZengaBo ZengaLeslie Nielsen,Kenan Thompson,Steve Howey Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Stan Helsing(2009)
 

Stan Helsing (2009)

Comedies traditionally try to get some charismatic comedian to crack a few jokes and land in a few funny situations while meandering through a paper-thin story. "Stan Helsing" hits new lows and meets none of the minimum requirements for even the worst comedy.

First, any movie featuring Kenan Thompson should burn in the pits of Tartarus; neither he nor his shtick is funny. Throw Thompson in a tight Superman suit and you’ll have plenty of “throw up in your mouth” moments while attempting to reach the end of the film. Second, why can't we just keep our fond memories of Leslie Nielsen in "Forbidden Planet" and call it a career? You’ll notice we didn’t mention Steve Howey as as Stan Helsing...

Bo Zenga, writer, producer and director, has provided what we hope will be the last we see of his “work”. How these projects get funding is beyond us. Why don’t producers and/or executive producers let a kid rewrite scripts? What? They do and they did? Oh.

Now you may be asking yourself why we even watched this obvious mess of a movie. Boredom and the curse of instant-streaming via Netflix (with great power comes terrible possibilities).

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Twilight: Eclipse - May the moon eclipse this one so no one can ever see it again!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Twilight: Eclipse 2010Melissa RosenbergDavid SladeKristen Stewart,Robert Pattinson,Taylor Lautner,Anna Kendrick,Jackson Rathbone,Dakota FanningStephenie Meyer Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Twilight: Eclipse(2010)
 

A review in short letters to the characters and film crew…

Dear Jacob and Edward,

Get over it. Bella is playing you like a fiddle. Why your respective families insist on helping you defend this manipulative little brat is beyond me. She can barely manage a smile and also barely manages to be able to make you both smile.

Jacob, stop wanting to hump her leg. There are plenty other better "mates" to "imprint" on. BTW: what does imprint mean? Are you going to pee on her leg to establish ownership?

Edward, no matter how lame you are, you can still find a better woman for yourself. Also, aren't you 100+ years old? I'm 32 and I find this chick terribly annoying to the point of wanting to watch her enemies devour her. Evolve a bit, buddy. You are letting a teenager manipulate the crap out of you. Sucker! You make love look like painful constipation.

Both of you should stop fighting over this Olive Oyl and fight over someone who is at least interesting. Or hot. Or capable of smiling.

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Exit Through the Gift Shop or "Friends, don't let Friends do Art!"

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Exit Through the Gift Shop BanksyThierry Guetta,Banksy,Shepard Fairey,Space Invader Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Exit Through the Gift Shop
 

Thierry Guetta, protagonist in “Exit Through the Gift Shop,” the “documentary” by graffiti artist Banksy, is the personification of the overbearing European turned instant celebrity that Roberto Bengini embedded in American audiences forever. A vintage clothing shop owner turned impromptu filmmaker; Guetta is irrevocably unaware and obnoxiously compulsive. However, Guetta has an underdog quality that propels him when he happens to stumble into the contemporary Street Art movement. Guetta films the artistic escapades of Street Art heroes Space Invader and Shepard Fairey. His journey leads him to the movement’s most obscure artist, the notorious Banksy (Banksy goes as far to conceal his indentity that he hides he face in an enlarged hoodie and distorts his voice).

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The Last Airbender - The first and last if we are lucky

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, The Last Airbender 2010M. Knight ShyamalanM. Knight ShyamalanNoah Ringer,Dev Patel,Nicola Peltz,Jackson Rathbone,Shaun Toub,Aasif MandviMichael Dante DiMartino,Bryan Konietzko Bitter,Bitterometer,meter The Last Airbender(2010)
 

The Last Airbender, an M. Knight Shyamalan film. We knew when we read that second part of the preceding sentence that this film had a good chance of being a disappointment. This was not only a safe assumption, but turns out to be a completely accurate one. M. Knight manages to take some truly great source material and turn it into a muddy, flat and dull film.

For someone who has loved the series, it was easy to think that the trailer for "The Last Airbender" was made up from scenes of the entire series. It is impossible to capture the story in a two-hour film. This is one that begs to be a trilogy, and if done right, is welcome to entertain us over the course of three films. Unfortunately, this is where things get sad. M. Knight had the sense to realize this and turned only the first book (season) into a film. For a talented writer, this would be enough to make an excellent film. The operative words there are "talented writer.” M. Knight is far from it, taking characters that should be entertaining and making them a bore. Their loyalties so muddy you won't know who is doing what or why they are doing it.

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