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A review of a movie or TV show.

Freddy vs Jason - May the ass-handingness begin!

 
Freddy VS Jason (2003),Bitter Balcony, review, movie revieww, movie, bitterFreddy vs. Jason (2003)

"Freddy vs. Jason" has been a wet dream of all '80s horror fans since, well, the '80s. The potential meeting and beating of the two iconic movie monsters (The former of "Nightmare on Elm Street" fame and the latter of "Friday the 13th") had been eagerly awaited for a long time. Needless to say, we Bitter Balconites were on the bandwagon, pre-Bitter Balcony of course. So how did it turn out? Let’s explore:

Give the writers credit for finding such an inventive way of bringing Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger together. This reviewer admits that being hired for such a task would have been a great challenge.

"Freddy vs. Jason" begins with Freddy convincing Jason that it’s time to come back to life and wreak havoc on the residents of Elm Street. Why? Because people have forgotten Freddy and he figures a little Jason havoc would slap them in the face with the cold fish of reality.

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Wes Craven goes for "Art" in New Nightmare!

 
Wes Craven goes for
Wes Craven's New Nightmare

Thanks (or for horror haters, place blame) to Wes Craven for making the 80’s the era Freddy Krueger built. Six films and a path of dead teenagers later, Freddy bowed out for good in 1991’s “Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare”. Not only was it the end for Freddy, it marked a down period for Craven, whose “Shocker” and “The People under the Stairs” didn’t capture the mystique his famous razor armed menace owned. In 1994, ten years after he directed the first “Nightmare”, Craven decided to resurrect his fiendish muse one more time.

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Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, where Freddy dies, but not before playing 8-bit video games!

 
Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare,Bitter Balcony, review, movie revieww, movie, bitter
Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

During a pivotal scene in 1991’s “Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare," the terrified Doc (Yaphet Kotto) is taunted by Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund), mocking previous attempts to kill him (burning him, splashing him with holy water, burying his remains). As Freddy manically laughs while self-mutilating his fingers with his clawed glove, little does he know that Doc holds the secret weapon to let heroine (and Freddy’s daughter no less!) Maggie (Lisa Zane) finally take him down. A holy hand grenade? Nice try, but that only works for evil white bunnies.

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Freddy rocks the cradle for "A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child"

 
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child,Bitter Balcony, review, movie revieww, movie, bitter
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

After four previous movies has left the town of Springwood with the median age of 50, wouldn’t the adults realize that there’s something to this Freddy guy? While it might be comforting to sweep things under a rug, the idle and clueless denial wears thin. Case in point, take “A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child”, why wouldn’t anybody give Alice (Lisa Wilcox) some credence about Freddy coming back? We mean, at some point these people can’t think its all some random coincidence, right? Maybe this is why Freddy never ventures outside Elm Street to find his victims, since he’s just fine popping up in the nightmares of the dumbest fictional city EVER!!! Sorry (sigh), we’re just getting to the point(deep breath, now) of being burned out of this corny one-liners trip into nostalgia.

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Right Said Fred: A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master Halloween Review!!!

 

A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
* Originally posted on October 31, 2009. Like you care!
For this Halloween, our staff at Bitter Balcony decided to revisit a few titles from our childhood, before we had developed good taste or judgment. From the archives we pulled out Ronny Harlan’s 1988 sequel “A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master,” a film in which one of the memorable moments included a fire-pissing dog. This was good cinema in the late ‘80s when you were a kid; an opus of preteen curiosities wrapped in cartoonish violence and poor acting. Well, what can you expect from recently pubescent actors with lines like “In case you haven't been keeping score, it's his f*@%ing banquet, and I'm the last course,” or one of our personal favorites “F%^ing A.” And how could we forget one-liner master Freddy Krueger’s (Robert Englund) “Why don't you reach out... and CUT someone,” or "Wanna suck face?” We could just cut and paste the script and let it speak for itself, but the last thing we want to do is beat up this movie. To watch this film again after more than a decade fills us with nostalgia and warmth. Leave it to a movie that has a girl transformed to a cockroach and subsequently crushed by Krueger's hands to soften the Balcony's bitterness.

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Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors - The dream for a better movie...

 
Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors - The dream for a better movie... (1987),Bitter Balcony, review, movie revieww, movie, bitter
Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

So here’s a good one: Freddy walks into a mental institution… Ah crap. The rest was good. It had something to do with “Dream Powers” and a punk-rock chick. There was also the return of Nancy… OK, so this joke is turning out as good as "Dream Warriors": not all that great.

Nostalgia is a manipulative little bastard that grabs hold of your common sense and shakes it loose, so you actually think it’s amazing. Which means, this movie is pretty swell, because it’s so bad.

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Nightmare on Elm Street 2 - Freddy's Attempt at Revenge

 
Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge,Bitter Balcony, review, movie revieww, movie, bitterNightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)

When an iconic horror monster such as Freddy Krueger is born in "Nightmare on Elm Street," you can bet there will be a sequel. Even in 1985 this was a requirement. Thus Freddy returns for an attempt at revenge and he has to manipulate Gary Numan to do it.

That’s right: Gary Numan is in "Freddy's Revenge" and he’s not down in the park or here in his car. What, that’s not Gary Numan? But he looks like him. OK, so it’s Mark Patton. (See, I should have stuck with the Numan joke). Will Mark Patton find his absolution?

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