Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

After many COUGH not many enough COUGH long years we finally get that “Spiderman” reboot that we didn’t really ask for or want. Admittedly, the four-minute trailer really gave us the impression that this movie, while a tad unwelcome, would at least be well made. All of that aside the real question is was the final result good and worth the short wait?

The story of Peter Parker’s path to becoming Spiderman is one we all know and saw a few years back. We know the steps we have to take to get there. The radioactive spider has to bite him and the death of his Uncle Ben acts as a catalyst. We’ve seen it before and this film gives us pretty much the same we’ve seen before. This time around you have Kurt Connors and his eventual alter ego The Lizard to deal with.

Revisionist History, ye spite me!!! For anyone that felt offended Quentin Tarantino spun the end of the Nazi reign as a cowboy-up revenge yarn in “Inglorious Basterds,” will now mark the day “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” opened in theaters as another day of infamy. Based on Seth Grahame-Smith’s cult novel by the same title, the story re-imagines Abraham Lincoln as a man whose hunger for revenge against the vampire that killed his mother drove him to become the ultimate leader of the Free World. And while we’re at it, why don’t we let Producer Tim Burton have Timur Bekmambetov, a RUSSIAN, direct the film. Who better to direct a movie about an American legend than a native of our Cold War rival? Oh, yeah, we like them now!

“Prometheus” appeared on our radar with a fantastic trailer that really gave us hope it would be a very well done sci-fi film with some hints of horror, to tie it in to “Alien”. Many touted this film as Ridley Scott’s return to sci-fi and higher quality filmmaking than some of his latest films, many of which are not that great. Unfortunately, he is only successful with the first half.

“Prometheus” follows a crew of scientists who are flying out to a star system that matches a constellation they found on many-a-historic works of art, including a cave drawing. When they arrive to the planet they begin to explore some structures they find and set out to find the alien creatures that are thought to have created man.

One of the blogs I follow is photographer Lou Noble's blog. Typically, he posts up photos he takes, but a few days ago he posted the greatest favor he has ever done for us. He took the bullet and watched "Battleship" for us. Needless to say, it is as shit as we expected.

He goes on to say, "I'll say this: Director Peter Berg? Bravo for doing such a splendid job copying Transformers. I didn't think anyone could make as awful a movie in quite the same way, but you nailed it!" "Transformers" is exactly what this movie looks like and if you’ve read any of our past Michael Bay inspired rants… That is NEVER a good thing.

He also talks about movies like this one being made to lure people in to the theater without ever offering anything, entertainment included, and that this movie is a prime example of why people hate summer blockbusters. The list of similarities between the board game and the movie is so juvenile/ridiculous it really makes us think a five year old wrote the script. Noble points this out by providing a bulleted list that gets sadder and sadder as you read on.

“Dark Shadows” has finally been released from its coffin and allowed to roam free. Much like every Tim Burton remake, er, de-make, this film disappoints. For the first time though, he hasn’t taken the staples of what he is remaking and pissed all over them, but instead watered them down to the point of boredom.

Long synopsis short, Barnabas Collins (frightfully close to Cullens for a vampire name) falls in love with someone other than the witch he is sleeping with and she freaks out. She causes the death of Barnabas’s first and only, of two, true loves and then tops it off by cursing him with vampirism. He awakens in the ‘70s for some hoky and not funny moments of trying to rebuild his family’s fortune and meet a woman and get revenge and, aw shit., the story is much too muddy to care.

After years of teasing and ruining some movies (see “Iron Man 2”) “The Avengers” is finally upon us! Typically Bitter Balcony has some opinions that don’t quite jive with the current thoughts on a film, but this time we can’t even pretend we aren’t really happy with the results. The inclusion of Joss Whedon in this project is what we attribute to the main factor for its success.

Loki, brother of Thor, is a bitter god intent on using an alien army to destroy Earth, which is under Thor’s protection. The only way Nick Fury sees Earth having a good chance to survive is to restart the Avenger protocol (or whatever they called it – and when was it shut down?) and get a cast of heroes to band together against this new foe. The mixed cast of characters causes some friction amongst themselves that could stop them from defeating Loki and the question is raised, “Will they rise to the occasion?”

“The Raven” is the fictional story of the bizarre events in Edgar Allan Poe’s final days before he was found half-dead on a bench. In this tale, a killer is using his previously published works as inspiration for murder and an elaborate secret plan. Once the police discover that there is a striking similarity to Poe’s work he is called in to help solve the mystery.

John Cusack stars as Poe himself and brings a certain wit and charm that is sharp, fast and entertaining in a Tony Stark, from “Iron Man”, kind of way. Cusack is able to deliver quick-witted lines with ease and draws us in to the life if a drunkard who has reached his creative end, but continues to attempt at creating another work that would get him enough money for the next drink until he finds the next story. Luke Evans plays Detective Emmett Fields, a methodical man who is working hard to solve the case and catch the killer before it’s too late. His performance is solid and while not as charismatic still the steady/thoughtful manner a detective like this would have.