Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

A review of a movie or TV show.

Where's My Kuato? Unfortunately, Not the Only Thing Missing from 2012's Total Recall!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Total Recall 2012Mark Bomback, Kurt WimmerLen WisemanColin Farrell, Kate BeckinsaleRonald Shusett, Dan O'Bannon, Jon Povill. Based on a novel by Philip K. Dick Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Total Recall(2012)
 

When the preview of the new “Total Recall” premiered, I was bemused by how uninspired it looked. How could a movie derived from one of the best Sci-Fi adventures of the 90’s be so potentially flat? I needed Kuato’s wisdom on this one! I took my ass to Mars, where Kuato popped out from some middle-aged man’s beer gut. Kuato’s slimy and tiny hands gently grab mine’s. I ask him, “Oh, Kuato, am I giving too much credit to a movie that co-starred a three-boob mutant? Is a movie where the most famous line is ‘See ya at the party, Richter!!!’ delivered with sardonic brunt by a 300 pound Austrian muscle-head absolved from the blasphemy of a remake?” Kuato’s calming voice just said “John...open your mind... open your mind... OPEN YOUR MINDDDDD...” My mind uncluttered, I was ready for recall, 2012.

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We Need to Talk About Kevin, but I Wish We Wouldn't Have to!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, We Need to Talk About Kevin 2011Lynne Ramsay, Rory KinnearLynne RamsayTilda Swinton, John C. Reilly, Ezra MillerLionel Shriver (novel) Bitter,Bitterometer,meter We Need to Talk About Kevin(2011)
 

Massacres in workplaces and schools appear to be a tragic reoccurrence in the fabric of American society. While many arguments have been presented to dissect the reasons of such unfathomable, massive violence, it’s still one of the bewildering and troubling crimes that somehow feel prevalent, if not exclusive, in this country. “We Need to Talk about Kevin” explores the issue not through the eyes of the assailant or the victims, but from the traumatized peripheral of Eva (Tilda Swinton), the mother of a teenager responsible for a Columbine-like killing spree. The film, told in flashbacks, has Eva reminisce on the extremely malign relationship with her son Kevin, from pregnancy to the bitter confrontations with her innately wicked son. Eva tries to understand what lead to this horrible event while attempting to find some normalcy in a community that blames her for this horror.

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How amazing is The Amazing Spiderman?

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, The Amazing Spiderman 2012James VanderbiltMarc WebbAndrew Garfield,Emma Stone,Rhys Ifans,Martin Sheen,Sally Field,C. Thomas Howell,Denis Leary,Julianne Nicholson,Campbell Scott,Irrfan Khan Bitter,Bitterometer,meter The Amazing Spiderman(2012)
 

After many COUGH not many enough COUGH long years we finally get that “Spiderman” reboot that we didn’t really ask for or want. Admittedly, the four-minute trailer really gave us the impression that this movie, while a tad unwelcome, would at least be well made. All of that aside the real question is was the final result good and worth the short wait?

The story of Peter Parker’s path to becoming Spiderman is one we all know and saw a few years back. We know the steps we have to take to get there. The radioactive spider has to bite him and the death of his Uncle Ben acts as a catalyst. We’ve seen it before and this film gives us pretty much the same we’ve seen before. This time around you have Kurt Connors and his eventual alter ego The Lizard to deal with.

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter tells Your American History Teacher to Suck It!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter 2012Seth Grahame-SmithTimur BekmambetovBenjamin Walker, Dominic CooperSeth Grahame-Smith (Novel) Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter(2012)
 

Revisionist History, ye spite me!!! For anyone that felt offended Quentin Tarantino spun the end of the Nazi reign as a cowboy-up revenge yarn in “Inglorious Basterds,” will now mark the day “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” opened in theaters as another day of infamy. Based on Seth Grahame-Smith’s cult novel by the same title, the story re-imagines Abraham Lincoln as a man whose hunger for revenge against the vampire that killed his mother drove him to become the ultimate leader of the Free World. And while we’re at it, why don’t we let Producer Tim Burton have Timur Bekmambetov, a RUSSIAN, direct the film. Who better to direct a movie about an American legend than a native of our Cold War rival? Oh, yeah, we like them now!

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Prometheus brings us fire, so we can burn this film down

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Prometheus 2012Damon Lindelof,Jon SpaihtsRidley ScottMichael Fassbender,Charlize Theron,Idris Elba,Guy Pearce,Noomi Rapace Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Prometheus(2012)
 

“Prometheus” appeared on our radar with a fantastic trailer that really gave us hope it would be a very well done sci-fi film with some hints of horror, to tie it in to “Alien”. Many touted this film as Ridley Scott’s return to sci-fi and higher quality filmmaking than some of his latest films, many of which are not that great. Unfortunately, he is only successful with the first half.

“Prometheus” follows a crew of scientists who are flying out to a star system that matches a constellation they found on many-a-historic works of art, including a cave drawing. When they arrive to the planet they begin to explore some structures they find and set out to find the alien creatures that are thought to have created man.

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Battleship - Let us hope it sinks and we never see it again! #LouNoble

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Battleship 2012 Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Battleship(2012)
 

One of the blogs I follow is photographer Lou Noble's blog. Typically, he posts up photos he takes, but a few days ago he posted the greatest favor he has ever done for us. He took the bullet and watched "Battleship" for us. Needless to say, it is as shit as we expected.

He goes on to say, "I'll say this: Director Peter Berg? Bravo for doing such a splendid job copying Transformers. I didn't think anyone could make as awful a movie in quite the same way, but you nailed it!" "Transformers" is exactly what this movie looks like and if you’ve read any of our past Michael Bay inspired rants… That is NEVER a good thing.

He also talks about movies like this one being made to lure people in to the theater without ever offering anything, entertainment included, and that this movie is a prime example of why people hate summer blockbusters. The list of similarities between the board game and the movie is so juvenile/ridiculous it really makes us think a five year old wrote the script. Noble points this out by providing a bulleted list that gets sadder and sadder as you read on.

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Dark Shadows should have remained in the shadows where no one can see!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Dark Shadows 2012Seth Grahame-SmithTim BurtonJohnny Depp,Eva Green,Michelle Pfeiffer,Jonny Lee Miller,Chloe Moretz,Gulliver McGrath,Helena Bonham Carter,Jackie Earle Haley,Christopher Lee Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Dark Shadows(2012)
 

“Dark Shadows” has finally been released from its coffin and allowed to roam free. Much like every Tim Burton remake, er, de-make, this film disappoints. For the first time though, he hasn’t taken the staples of what he is remaking and pissed all over them, but instead watered them down to the point of boredom.

Long synopsis short, Barnabas Collins (frightfully close to Cullens for a vampire name) falls in love with someone other than the witch he is sleeping with and she freaks out. She causes the death of Barnabas’s first and only, of two, true loves and then tops it off by cursing him with vampirism. He awakens in the ‘70s for some hoky and not funny moments of trying to rebuild his family’s fortune and meet a woman and get revenge and, aw shit., the story is much too muddy to care.

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