Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

A review of a movie or TV show.

We wished this Tribe of 'Lost Boys' would have stayed lost

 
Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008)

Surfer vampires kill Tom Savini (the effects guru makes a cameo role) and then the real fun begins. Oh, what the hell, we’re pals, right? Allow us to give it straight: What we have here are the clichés and blunders that occur in far too many Hollywood movies. This ridiculous cash-in on Vampiremania adds nothing noteworthy to "The Lost Boys" or furthers the storyline of the 1987 original which had that ‘80s charm we love.

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Eww vs. Sewage, eh, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever review!

 
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

We admit the above is the worst title for a review in Bitter Balcony’s history. But it's still not nearly as bad as “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever," a 2002 dog BB caught while on vacation (our vigilance for foul celluloid never takes a day off).

This laugher stars Antonio Banderas as Jeremiah Ecks, the “guy with nothing to lose” – the sort you see at a dive bar sporting a five o'clock shadow and sloshed on bottom-shelf scotch. The FBI finds our man doing just that, hoping he will help them capture Sever (Lucy Liu), a hit woman who kidnaps the son of Gant (Gregg Henry), an enemy of the state who the FBI believes is ready to activate a biological-tech weapon.

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Percy Jackson and the Long Ass Title: The Thief of Good Taste

 
Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman), the boy with the manliest name for a demigod, finds out that Poseidon is his father. Somehow everyone thinks Percy has Zeus’s bolt, therefore all the creatures of the Tartarus relentlessly chase him to grab the bolt back. He teams with Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) and Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario) –the former being a goat and the latter a daughter of Athena. The supposedly wise Annabeth offers zilch in the way of tactical advice in the entirety "Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief." Yes, that's the title.

Percy and Grover spout some shabby one-liners throughout the film and Annabeth has the great, “Lets hit the road before homeland security shows up” line after a cleaning lady sees something funky. Riiiight.

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Infestation... on Hollywood or is it any good?

 
Infestation (2009)

Yes, it's true: Hollywood still suffers from an “Infestation” of bad movies.

A slacker on the verge of getting fired hears a shrieking noise that makes everyone pass out. He then wakes up to find he and his office mates sedated and wrapped in webbing. Yes, your initial suspicions are correct. The giant insect film is back. Like using a bargain-brand bug spray, this genre springs to life every couple years. And in typical Hollywood fashion, the slacker must rise to the occasion and become a MAN.

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I'd rather be 'Alone in the Dark' - sequel review

 
Alone in the Dark II (2008)

"Alone in the Dark II" is the sequel to Uwe Boll’s 2005 blunder of a film. One lives without the other and thankfully, this one isn’t directed by one of the worst directors of our time. That doesn't mean this is a step up though. The directing/writing team of Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer prove that two mediocre heads are only slightly better than one bad one.

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A "Cold Soul" would have helped make us feel this movie didn't suck

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Cold Soul 2009 Cold Soul(2009)
 

"Cold Souls" must have been made by a group of soulless, passionless people. This film gives us the rare treat of watching Paul Giamatti overact – and then try to under act for 101 minutes. The problem is that this treat has gone stale and like most of the candy we tried in Hong Kong, lacks any real flavor.

Giamatti plays Paul, a struggling actor who stumbles upon an ad in the Yellow Pages (people still read these?) decides it would be a good idea go soulless. You read that right: the logic is that an artist would be better at his craft without a soul. Is it us or does this a) not make any sense or b) seem like a process most of Hollywood has gone through? Paul lives without his soul for a while then realizes this isn't the best idea he's had - and blah blah blah.

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Kill them all! Send in "Legion" to bore them to death!

 
Legion (2010)

The heavens are torn asunder and spew the “Legion” upon us in an awkward attempt at extermination of the human race. God throws a hissy fit and sends his warrior angels to kill an unborn child, but one angel rebels and descends on us to defend us with all his fallen angel glory.

Sounds good right? Angels and Demons… wait, wrong movie. All these mythical creatures coming down to hand us our asses on heavenly platters. With a premise that almost promises to deliver on the scale of 1995’s “The Prophecy,” you'd think this would be easy. But this is Hollywood and things are never as good as they seem.

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