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A review of a movie or TV show.

Next Karate Kid review at Film.com

 

I found THIS review thanks to the nifty twitter movie aggregator at the bottom of our fancy little site! It explains why "The Next Karate Kid" is lame.

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Wild Wild Mess, er, West review

 
Wild Wild West

We at Bitter Balcony sometimes wish that writing a review for a movie like “Wild Wild West” would be short and simple. If it were that easy, this review would read, “Sigh!” and nothing more. Alas, people expect more from us and we aim to provide, so here we go…

The movie begins with cheesy, low-budget credits: some vector-traced images in shades of brown and black. The opening theme is fairly traditional for a western, but when it cuts to a modernized ditty, we know we’re in trouble. The intro to “Wild Wild West” tells us what we’re in for: boring effects, a movie that looks like a western, and a whole lot of nothing else.

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Tame of The Dead: Zombieland Review

 
Zombieland
Zombies have once again turned the world into a Grade-D meat factory in the horror-comedy "Zombieland.” The title comes from the planet's new name, where the undead virus has left the survivors to wander about searching for somewhere or something to pursue.

Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg, who loves being in movies with the word "land" attached to the title) is the most unlikely to remain unbitten by zombies. Lanky and unimpressive, Columbus blasts away at the undead with a shotgun that’s as big as him. However, his insecure, cautious personality has made him more competent to deal with the walking dead than he ever was with the actual living. He avoids becoming Zombie Chow by following his own strict survival rules, whether it’s the prevalent "Good Cardio" to outrun the spry zombies or the cowardly, but rational "Don't be a hero” move.

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Metal Gear Solid Philanthropy - philanthropize away you Italian fans!

 
Metal Gear Philanthropy

Here is another rough one to review. Do I take the route I would if this was a commercial film or do I just soften up because it’s a fan film? I guess I’ll do both.

“Metal Gear Solid Philanthropy” is another Metal Gear fan film… OK, this is a fan film that tries to top the other Metal Gear fan films out there with a real narrative, special effects and a feature-film running time.

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And Boom! Goes The Dynamite: Arlington Road Review

 
Arlingtion Road

“Arlington Road” was probably screened in Congress when The Patriot Act passed during the "W" era. Who would have guessed this 1999 thriller's gut-busting appetite for paranoia would have such foresight several years after its release? Whether there was prophetic intent or not, Mark Pellington's then-second film is a nerve-racking portrait of conspiracy-binded history professor Michael Faraday (the stalwart Jeff Bridges) still mourning his wife, an FBI agent killed during a raid gone awry. Questioning the establishment's proficiency in anti-terrorist tactics, Michael warns his students of a lurking new enemy of the state, while his sanity is held by the challenge of raising his son Grant (Spencer Treat Clark), who has his own reservations about dad's growing relationship with Brooke (Hope Davis). One day, he sees his neighbor's kid running on the street, which is not uncommon in suburbia, unless that boy has half his hand blown up.

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Drag Me To Hell - is what you will be begging to happen instead of watching this film.

 
Drag Me to Hell (2009)

“Drag Me to Hell” gets off to a decent start, but one fails to see the connection between the intro and the rest of the story. Something about a boy . . . and getting possessed because of stealing something. So after this decent start, we are treated to the standard horror that we get from most modern Hollywood films – another waste of $10+ and two hours of our lives.

In a nutshell, “Drag Me to Hell” is about Christie Brown (Alison Lohman) being put into a position where she has to make a hard choice to get noticed by the boss (get your mind out of the gutter) and ultimately pisses off a gypsy (Lorna Raver) who curses her to be doomed with doomy doomness.

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Spare The Last Dance: Waltz With Bashir Review

 
Waltz With Bashir
Note: The following review for “Waltz with Bashir” focuses on the artistic merits of the film. The interpretations I’ve gathered from the film are mentioned to add breadth and analysis to the director's arguments. It is not Bitter Balcony’s intention to spark political debates, even though they are welcome within the context of the discussed film. Man, this feels like a very special episode of “Different Strokes.” No fun. Well, we’ll always have “Politico”!

For those who have experienced the horrors of war, the hardest thing to do might be to forget. Israeli director Ari Folman has somehow blocked the memories of his youth as an Israeli solider in 1982 during the First Lebanon War. The only memory left from his tour of duty is a dream of himself and a few members of his troop bathing in the shores of a Beirut beach while flares light up the night.

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