Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

A review of a movie or TV show.

Stupidity Overload: Crank 2 review

 
Crank 2

It's time to press the start button again for Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor's ode to video game pandemonium in “Crank 2: High Voltage.”

Chev Chelios (Jason Straham) gets to hit continue, back from a temporary brush with death after falling from a helicopter onto the top of a car in the first movie. This time, instead of being poisoned, Chelios has his seemingly indestructible heart surgically removed by the Chinese Triad mafia. In order to avoid fatality, Chev needs to charge the artificial pump placed inside him to recover what he refers to as his "f#*?ing strawberry tart".

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They couldn’t have built “Road House” without Swayze

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Road House 1989David Lee HenryRowdy HerringtonPatrick Swayze,Kelly Lynch,Sam Elliott,Ben Gazzara Road House(1989)
 

"Road House" has everything. I successfully avoided this 1989 jewel for nearly 20 years, but bam - Thanksgiving eve, I lost my "Road House" cherry. So while the world mourns the tragic passing of Patrick Swayze, let’s raise a glass and count the ways in which “Road House” kicks ass.






  1. The Swayzmeister is Dalton, bouncer extraordinaire (aka “cooler”) and a man so gnarly, he stitches up his own wounds and spouts off such wisdom as “Pain don’t hurt.” Does Dalton want regular or decaf coffee? “Unleaded!”



  2. Ah, the ‘80s. Everyone in “Road House” wears “mom jeans” (pulled up to under the nips) including the men. The women have Loni Anderson hairdos and Home Shopping Network earrings.



  3. The bad guys are easy to spot: the sleeves are torn off their shirts BEFORE they get into fights.



  4. Dalton does topless tai-chi in tight sweatpants while his landlord, a lonely farmer, looks on in appreciation. Uncomfortable.



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Deja Vu, its what I feel after watching crap like this

 

Déjà Vu

Is this “Déjà Vu” or am I seeing the same crappy film over again? Yup, I am.

A ferry with the crewmen of the USS Nimitz is blown to bits along with their family members. Doug Carlin is sent in to investigate. During his investigation he is attached to an experimental FBI surveillance unit that uses a machine which can see slightly more than four days into the past - but the time is constant, no Go-Backsies. Doug is obsessed with the victim of a crime that was set up to look like it was part of the explosion. He focuses so much on the murder of a good-looking chick that it’s surprising he can solve a thing. But, since Doug is played by Denzel, he must be smart.

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Gamer - a film about gaming in a reality show - triple desensitization whammy!

 

Gamer

“Gamer” follows Kable (Gerard Butler), a convict who has signed his life away for the chance to be freed and reunited with his family. Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall) is a famous TV producer/engineer who has created two very popular shows. “Society,” which is like a “Second Life” or a perverted “Home,” where you can control real people and carry out whatever sick desires they please. The other show is “Slayers,” in which convicts can sign away their lives in order to be living avatars in a game world where 30 wins will earn their freedom. Needless to say, Kable wants out of prison and wants to be reunited with his family. We soon find out what Kable wants, Kable gets.

So does this equate to an action packed sci fi romp or another is it the equivalent of a big fat piece of digital monkey poo?

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Ride this Wonder Wheel! Adventureland review

 

Adventureland

Greg Mottola's follow-up his mega hit Superbad takes his explorations of horny youths and recreational drug use to the amusement park. Adventureland is the story of James(Jesse Eisenberg), a recently graduated college student who is still plagued by the V word (virgin, in case you were wondering). His plans to go the Europe for the summer are put to a halt when his father gets demoted at work, forcing James to stay with his parents in Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh has had a nice run of films shot in their city lately).

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Inspector Gadget - Wowser! This one's a doozy! [BONUS content included]

 
Inspector Gadget

There are moments when police officers are at their best - and moments when they are at their worst. John Brown (was this really Gadget’s name?) has a long day of goodness followed by a night of not-so-goodness. Why, you ask? He blows up. Then a bowling ball, which flew up from the explosion, lands on the poor evil bastard’s hand that he was chasing. This poor evil bastard becomes Claw (note the lack of “Doctor”), because he gets a metal claw for a hand. The cop is an entirely different matter.

When a cop is lost in the line of duty (in cinema, of course) he can either become a robo, er, cop, who fights Enforcement Droids of the 209 variety or he can become a halfwit stuffed with Silly Putty and yo-yos. Yo-yos like the team behind this film and the star of the show.

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Where did I put my contacts! Blindness Review

 
Blindness

An untraceable sight-removing epidemic strikes an undisclosed metropolis in Fernando Meirelles' perception-challenging “Blindness.” Based on the award-winning novel by José Saramago, strangers meet when a white light takes away their vision. They are lead by a woman (Julianne Moore) who pretends to be afflicted to safeguard her optometrist husband (Mark Ruffalo) when the victims are secluded in an abandoned penitentiary.

The Doctor's Wife, who like all the characters in this story is nameless, is spectator to the atrocities men wreak when a vital sense is obstructed. Military enforcement keeps the exiles from the outside world; the only information coming in is via the increasing number of blinded victims.

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