Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

A review of a movie or TV show.

Immortals dies an early death

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Immortals 2012Charley Parlapanides,Vlas ParlapanidesTarsem SinghHenry Cavill,Mickey Rourke,John Hurt,Stephen Dorff,Freida Pinto Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Immortals(2012)
 

The “Immortals” dies an early death by way of being forgotten. Tarsem Singh showed that he was willing to be, and capable of being, really creative and having a very singular aesthetic. The scenes from “The Cell” that took place in the serial killer’s head were awesome to watch and the entirety of “The Fall” was a real treat to watch. In “The Fall” he showed that he can weave his style into a well-told tale and each was complimented by the other. Sadly, this is not the case for “Immortals.

“Immortals” follows Theseus as he is chosen by Zeus to stop King Hyperion who is on a quest to destroy humanity and the gods, if the plan works out.

Read More   

Voice your opinion!

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 - SIGH!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1  2011Bill CondonKristen Stewart,Robert Pattinson,Taylor Lautner,Anna Kendrick,Jackson RathboneStephenie Meyer Bitter,Bitterometer,meter The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)
 

First off, this is the first wedding I ever cried during. No, not because it was romantic or believable, but because I knew that this was the beginning of two hours of my life I’ll never get back. It didn’t help that these characters are so miserable they can barely muster a grin during the wedding that they’ve spent three movies chasing. From the moment the paralyzed guy moved his foot to grab a letter on the floor it was clear this movie was going to be just as bad, if not worse, than the prior films.

The first thirty minutes of this film has absolutely no narrative. It’s a wedding and a honeymoon and frankly feels like it’s ending from the very beginning. Unfortunately, it goes on for another hour and a half after that. Bella gets pregnant and we spend a good portion of the film watching her look like shit while the vampires, who clearly have nothing to do with their undeath at all, dote over her.

There is one really great scene where the werewolves are telepathically talking to each other and it feels like we are watching a terrible deleted scene from Disney’s Lion King. It was quite laughable.

Read More   

Voice your opinion!

A Bad Buzz: The Rum Diary Review!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, The Rum Diary 2011Bruce RobinsonBruce RobinsonJohnny Depp, Aaron EckhartHunter S. Thompson (novel) Bitter,Bitterometer,meter The Rum Diary(2011)
 

“The Rum Diary,” is the pseudo-biographical film based on the “lost” novel by the papa of gonzo journalism himself, the late Hunter S. Thompson. The book, finally published in 1998, chronicles the early days of the iconic writer’s career, following the misadventures of American journalists in the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico. The misleading advertising showcased “The Rum Diary” as another wild ride à la Terry Gilliam’s LSD-fueled opus “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” However, this adaptation of Thompson’s inebriated hi-jinks, directed by the semi-retired Bruce Robinson (“Withnail and I”) strives to present the idealistic, noble side of the White Buffalo. Here, Thompson (under the pseudonym Paul Kemp) is revealed not only for his enticement of booze and hallucinogens, but as a harsh critic of corporate greed and social injustice in the Flower Power generation.

Read More   

Voice your opinion!

Real Steel supports animal abuse. Where is PETA?

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Real Steel 2011Leslie Bohem, John GatinsShawn LevyHope Davis,Anthony Mackie,Evangeline Lilly,Hugh Jackman,Kevin Durand Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Real Steel(2011)
 

Sock ‘em Rock ‘em Robots, er, “Real Steel” starts off in the worse possible way. A man pits a giant robot against a bull. For the entertainment of the crowd this robot attempts to beat the crap out of a bull. It was great to think, “Where is PETA?” at the start of a movie we never thought could get any worse than the premise. Bull fighting aside this movie shows us once again that Hugh Jackman really needs to pick and choose a bit more.

“Real Steel” follows Charlie Kenton, a crappy robot fighter and equally crappy father, while he is forced to take care of his son and fight more robots. Thankfully, the fights are robot and robot and don’t sicken us further with animal abuse. Somehow, magically, he finds a robot under mud and filth and it turns him into a pro… unlike a refurbished $50,000 robot couldn’t do.

Instead of going over all that is wrong with this film let us cut it short and say that everyone seems to be trying, but that’s it. When it ended I thanked my lucky stars that I have the fortitude to ingest this much crap and live then I walked away.

Read More   

Voice your opinion!

"The Thing" A pale imitation of the original

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, The Thing 2011Eric Heisserer, John W. Campbell Jr.Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.Mary Elizabeth Winstead,Joel Edgerton,Ulrich Thomsen,Eric Christian Olsen,Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje,	Paul Braunstien,Trond Espen,Kim Bubbs,Jørgen Langhelle Bitter,Bitterometer,meter The Thing(2011)
 

“The Thing” is a prequel to the ‘80s movie by the same title. This time around we get to see what happened to the “Sweeds” as Mack called them, which were really Norwegians, as Dr. Cooper would correct him. Unfortunately, we couldn’t keep this as a subtitled movie and focus on the Nords and their struggle into paranoid social decay. Instead, we are forced to swallow the fact that the Nords, who this author thought were as stranded in solitude as the Americans, would call some lady from the US to investigate what they had found. Are their no Nordic specialists in ancient artifacts/paleontology? Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is that graduate student/specialist in ancient artifacts/paleontologist that is brought on to help investigate the discovery of an alien ship that was discovered in the Antarctic. That’s right, this time there is a woman, NAY two, involved in dealing with the human copying menace.

Read More   

Voice your opinion!

Is Moneyball a Grand Slam?

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Moneyball 2011Steven Zaillian, Aaron SorkinBennett MillerBrad Pitt, Jonah HillMichael Lewis (novel: Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Moneyball(2011)
 

“Moneyball,” based on the controversial non-fiction Baseball novel by Michael Lewis, follows the revolutionary tactics Oakland Athletics General Manager Billy Beane (Brad Pitt) implemented to create a winning team on a modest budget. Defying the tradition of Baseball’s antiquated recruiting methods; Beane’s story transcends the design of the diamond field. “MoneyBall” is evidence that even in the oldest of American games, the incorporation of the new can still come out on top.

Beane, the quick-draw mastermind of the small market A’s, feels the pressure from the team’s owner to assemble a championship-caliber team with the salary cap of roughly 40 million dollars. In Major League Baseball terms, that seemingly hefty amount is worth a box of Cracker Jack's compared to the over 100 million dollars elite teams like the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox get to splurge on star players.

Read More   

Voice your opinion!

The Beauty (and the Bitter) of Biutiful!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Biutiful 2010Alejandro González Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Armando BoAlejandro González IñárrituJavier Bardem, Maricel Álvarez Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Biutiful(2010)
 

Alejandro González Iñárritu, along with Guillermo del Toro and Alfonso Cuarón, are the trio of Mexican directors that brought euphoria to Latin American cinema in the 2000’s, gathering multiple accolades as well as box office success. Iñárritu, who broke into the industry with the gut-wrenching “Amores Perros,” is the most melancholic of the three, a celluloid mediator who captures the pain that connects us, despite our differences. An actor’s director, Iñárritu has usually gotten the best not only from his stars (Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn, Brad Pitt, etc) but also from supporting actors (Adriana Barraza, Rinko Kikuchi) as well as non-professional players. His latest, the intentionally misspelled title “Biutiful,” follows the acclaimed director’s intriguing mixture of top talent and unknowns to assist on his rough but earnest depiction of the human landscape.

Read More   

Voice your opinion!