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Pom Presents The Greatest Movie Ever Sold. Where can We put our Ad, Spurlock?

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Pom Presents The Greatest Movie Ever Sold 2011Morgan Spurlock, Jeremy ChilnickMorgan SpurlockMorgan Spurlock, Ralph Nader Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Pom Presents The Greatest Movie Ever Sold(2011)
 

As evident in his 2004 hit documentary “Super-Size Me,” "mock"umentarian Morgan Spurlock has no qualms being his own social satire’s guinea pig. In his breakthrough film, Spurlock committed to a strict diet of MacDonald’s Value Meals, one that caused him to gain nearly 25 pounds in only a month, much to the chagrin of his vegan girlfriend. As much bodily harm the determined Spurlock inflicted upon himself one big Mac at a time, his poignant criticism of the food industry hit the spot in its bold yet funny approach.

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Thor - Poppy Corny kinda Movie [User Review]

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, 2011Kenneth BranaghNatalie Portman Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Thor (2011)

The experience watching "Thor" is exactly like eating that tub of popcorn - it is a lazy choice, un-inspiring, fast-food flavor, nothing more than salt/grease, and taste exactly like the last time you had it - an experience built to be forgotten.

"Thor" tells a story where this blonde boyish 'god of thunder', is being cast to earth after making an arrogant mistake and power stripped; he however learnt the value of life and love and regain his power through the short journey on earth, kissed a human girl, and recovered his god-ish status.

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Hot Tub TIme Machine takes us back to the '80s and we realize we need a hot tub

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Hot Tub Time Machine 2010 Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Hot Tub Time Machine(2010)
 

Much like sometimes good, sometimes bad, legendary ‘80s band reunions John Cusack’s return the famously cheesy time period could just have been cashing in. Thankfully, “Hot Tub Time Machine” entertains us and proves that Cusack’s return is a no brainer winning formula.

Fellow homies who find themselves in varying degrees of failure in life decide to go to a hotel that provided many stories from their youth to see if they can tap that magic fountain once more. The fountain turns out to be a hot tub that throws them back into their bodies in the ‘80s (but we see their older versions in the film) where they could possibly change the course of their failed lives.

The writing is funny and good enough to poke fun of all the things we love and hate from the ‘80s like the music, clothes and cassette players. They briefly touch on the funnier things like when the youngest of the characters is talking to a girl and trying to get her email or cel phone number. He asks, “How am I supposed to get in touch with you?” She turns to him and says, “You have to find me.” After she walks away the character says, “That sounds exhausting.”

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MacGruber is an Explosion of Crap!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, MacGruber 2010Will Forte, John SolomonJorma TacconeWill Forte, Kristen Wiig Bitter,Bitterometer,meter MacGruber(2010)
 

A new step has been added to the Saturday Night Live dung ladder with the unfunny “MacGruber.” Will Forte plays the title character, an idiotic explosives expect whose fashion sense and social awareness are stuck in the 1980’s. In “MacGruber,” Forte’s fool with a high ego is tolerable for the minute or less the SNL segment lasts, which always ends with the bomb detonating. Here, we get ninety minutes of Forte’s mediocre physical comedy, and we are just hoping a real bomb would blow him to smithereens. For the exception of a couple of chuckles here and there, and the casting of Val Kilmer and Powers Boothe in a “where have you been” curiosity, “MacGruber” joins Forte with a group of fellow SNL alums like Jim Breuer and Tim Meadows that were not ready for primetime, indeed.

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"Hanna" kicks our ass and we like it!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Hanna 2011Seth Lochhead,David FarrJoel WrightCate Blanchett,Eric Bana,Saoirse Ronan Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Hanna(2011)
 

The trailer popped out of nowhere. I hadn't heard of this film until days before its release, but once I saw it I was intrigued.

"Hanna" is a film about a young girl who is trained by her father to be an adept killer. They live in the forest alone. He fights with her with no signs of holding back and the girl kicks ass. Eventually, after several attempts at telling her father that she is ready, he offers her a beacon. Once she flips the switch the American government picks it up and and comes to take them back to civilizatiothey unfortunately, they want Hanna's father bad. Hanna's mission is to kill Marissa, a CIA agent, coincidentally in charge of requiring Hanna's father.

Saoirse Ronan is charismatic and plays the character of Hanna exceedingly well. She shows the wonder of a girl who has never been a part of civilization without sacrificing the threat of the killer that she is. When she needs to kick ass it happens quickly and fiercely. Eric Bana plays the father and his action scenes show where Hanna learned her skills. Cate Blanchett plays a CIA agent going rogue well, but her character is barely developed.

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"Meat Market" proves that indie zombie movies can be absolutely terrible, too!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Meat Market  Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Meat Market
 

“Meat Market” is one of those terrible examples of a poorly made indie films that just so happens to be 90+ minutes long and qualifies for feature film status. What’s worse is that Netflix sees it fit to negotiate for streaming rights. Short of a long rant, this means that Netflix will stream anything that qualifies as a feature film no matter how bad it is.

“Meat Market” is an elementary example of filmmaking at best. The "film makers" of this film take the zombie genre and make it as cheesy in it’s poor DV style as it could be. This even includes an extremely poor monologue-ish moment with a guy who says, “fuck,” thirty-too-many times. Honestly, it's quite embracing.

The performances, editing, writing and directing are so sub-par we couldn’t suggest this poor excuse for a film even as a joke. There are gratuitous boob shots, but again, so poorly done we can only hope for death before the end of the scene arrives.

We could go on for paragraphs on how terrible this film is, but why bother? This film is horrid. Everyone involved is terrible. The only reason to watch this film is if you hate yourself so much you want to drive yourself to suicide.

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"Sucker Punch" sucker punches us in the nuts!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Sucker Punch 2011 Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Sucker Punch(2011)
 

We are pretty big Zack Snyder fans around these parts. He gave us a great “Dawn of the Dead” remake, a chest beating “300,” and a very well adapted “Watchmen.” Heck, he even gave us a great-animated owl movie. The question remains though. Why, oh why, do we feel like we’ve been sucker punched in the nuts?

Snyder took the reigns on this one and dialed the insane action to 11, but the sad fact is that sometimes too much of a good thing is bad. The movie is way over the top and yes, reminds of a videogame. The thing here is that the plot and character development are so paper thin that even if you dialed it back to 10 it still wouldn’t impress.

I, JAS, really tried to hold on, but the action scene with the robots on the train was so epically terribly shot that had I not been sitting next to a friend I would have left the theater. It truly was much like the work of Michael Bay or, heck, even Stephen Sommers. If you have read anything else from us at Bitter Balcony you would know that that is a the worst we could say just under, “it was Uwe Boll-esque.”

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