Bitter Balcony

“Sweeney Todd” gives us yet another opportunity to experience Tim Burton remaking someone else’s crap. This time out, it's a musical. As we said when “Alice in Wonderland” came out: Burton, please stop with the freaking remakes. Your original stuff rocks, but your remakes blow harder than Mt. Saint Helen on a bad day.

Sweeney Todd is the alter ego of a man who was shafted by a prominent figure in order to have his wife snatched out from under him. Todd was originally Benjamin Barker, a barber. He is set up, spend time in jail, and returns for his sweet, sweet revenge. Of course, like any vengeance-obsessed man, he does it with music and a lot of blood. Teaming with Mrs. Lovett he slowly works his way through those whom did him wrong.

It's likely you've already heard other reviewers bashing "Alice in Wonderland" for a number of reasons. For Bitter Balcony, the film was an absolute snore – yet that's something we haven't seen mentioned in reviews often enough.

"Alice" begins in our heroine's childhood nightmares about falling down a rabbit hole. Flash forward and now she's a rebel going against the in status quo. No corset? The nerve. Alice spends the entire movie arguing against her battle against the Jabberwocky, only to ultimately fulfill it. Did we just spoil it? No. As with any Disney film, good always triumphs.

Terry Gilliam is one unlucky man. The mischievous visionary has run into terrible situations in recent projects, most notably the failed attempt to revive Don Quixote (documented in 2002’s “Lost in La Mancha”) and apparent schedule and budget constraints of 2005’s “The Brothers Grimm.” And then, the tragedy of Heath Ledger’s untimely death threatened to doom Gilliam’s latest film, “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.”

The ingenious director was fortunate to complete the film while keeping most of Ledger’s performance intact. And with friends in high places along the lines of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell picking up where Ledger left off, Gilliam was able piece together this inspired fantasy, perhaps his best work since “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.”

Surfer vampires kill Tom Savini (the effects guru makes a cameo role) and then the real fun begins. Oh, what the hell, we’re pals, right? Allow us to give it straight: What we have here are the clichés and blunders that occur in far too many Hollywood movies. This ridiculous cash-in on Vampiremania adds nothing noteworthy to "The Lost Boys" or furthers the storyline of the 1987 original which had that ‘80s charm we love.

We admit the above is the worst title for a review in Bitter Balcony’s history. But it's still not nearly as bad as “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever," a 2002 dog BB caught while on vacation (our vigilance for foul celluloid never takes a day off).

This laugher stars Antonio Banderas as Jeremiah Ecks, the “guy with nothing to lose” – the sort you see at a dive bar sporting a five o'clock shadow and sloshed on bottom-shelf scotch. The FBI finds our man doing just that, hoping he will help them capture Sever (Lucy Liu), a hit woman who kidnaps the son of Gant (Gregg Henry), an enemy of the state who the FBI believes is ready to activate a biological-tech weapon.

Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman), the boy with the manliest name for a demigod, finds out that Poseidon is his father. Somehow everyone thinks Percy has Zeus’s bolt, therefore all the creatures of the Tartarus relentlessly chase him to grab the bolt back. He teams with Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) and Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario) –the former being a goat and the latter a daughter of Athena. The supposedly wise Annabeth offers zilch in the way of tactical advice in the entirety "Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief." Yes, that's the title.

Percy and Grover spout some shabby one-liners throughout the film and Annabeth has the great, “Lets hit the road before homeland security shows up” line after a cleaning lady sees something funky. Riiiight.

Yes, it's true: Hollywood still suffers from an “Infestation” of bad movies.

A slacker on the verge of getting fired hears a shrieking noise that makes everyone pass out. He then wakes up to find he and his office mates sedated and wrapped in webbing. Yes, your initial suspicions are correct. The giant insect film is back. Like using a bargain-brand bug spray, this genre springs to life every couple years. And in typical Hollywood fashion, the slacker must rise to the occasion and become a MAN.